


Finding Light

by BeautyIncognito



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-29
Updated: 2015-11-23
Packaged: 2018-03-26 07:23:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 40,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3842131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeautyIncognito/pseuds/BeautyIncognito
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lost in the darkness of a deep depression, the first deep dark words of a song filtered into Bella's brain. Unable to stop listening to the voice, she is slowly lifted out of the dark. An outrageous idea begins to take root and when Jillyan insists she will do whatever it takes to help her sister, it sets in motion an adventure that will lead to South Korea, Big Bang and a rendezvous with destiny. Does taking one monumental leap of faith set in motion a thousand miracles?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. darkness

Jillyan was the only light I would allow in my day. Each day she would come visit me and try to get me to eat. Her animated conversations were too quick and lively for me to hold onto but the sound of her voice and her presence lifted me out of the dark for a few moments. She rarely stayed longer than an hour, her life so full and busy as it should be. That she would make time for me was a gift for which I was grateful beyond measure. How I had come to be in such darkness was a matter I vigorously pushed away from my thoughts. I was happy simply to exist and be surrounded by the darkness. It didn't ask for anything and I was safe.

Today Jillyan was quiet and I missed the melody of her voice excitedly telling me the details of some story I could not grasp. Today she only sat and spoke in dusky tones. I don't know how long it was after she left that I realized she had left her music player. Her constant companion, I was certain she would come back for it.

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't remember the last time I really did sleep. I would drift in and out sometimes, but sleep eluded me. Tonight it bothered me this lack of sleep. People die when they can't sleep. Was I dying in this darkness? That thought bothered me less than the lack of sleep. Death I could handle but surely I should get some sleep first. In the middle of wakefulness, it occurred to me that some music might be just what I needed to silence my mind. It took a while to figure out the music player in the dark. I wasn't willing to risk the light for something so trivial. Finally I figured it out and the first deep dark words of a song fed themselves into my brain.

That voice . . . it haunted me. In it I felt reflected the pain I was feeling and had been feeling for so long. I kept repeating it, over and over. I reached my hand up to discover my cheeks were wet. Silent tears of loss held inside for so long were leaking out. I couldn't stop listening to that voice. I couldn't understand the words, some language I used to know but now eluded me or a foreign language, I could not be entirely sure. I slept.

Was it my imagination or did the room look a little brighter today. More gray, less black. I had slept without dreaming but still I was comforted by the sleep. Sometime in the night the music player had died but still the song played over and over in my head. Suddenly, I couldn't get comfortable. The world I had created suddenly felt awkward and ill-fitting. I wasn't sure what to do. I had created a sea of blankets and pillows and I felt like I was now drowning. I started folding blankets and pushing pillows into stacks until finally I had a less cluttered area to lie down. Exhausted, I lay on the floor panting. What was happening to me?

Jillyan came to visit as she always did and brought fruit. Although usually I would pick at whatever she brought me to eat, today I was hungry and listened to her talk while devouring the fruit. She was back to her happy self and talking about something that happened at school. She pretended not to notice that I'd been straightening up or that I was eating hungrily, but she did notice the music player. She left for a few minutes then returned carrying the charger. She set the music player up to charge. "You can keep this music player if you want. I've gotten a new one."

Over the next several days, I continued to listen to the music on the music player. At some point I realized that it was a foreign language but I liked that I could respond to the feeling of the music without knowing the words. However, the more I listened, the more uncomfortable I felt. Why was I sleeping on the floor when I had a perfectly lovely bed? Why was my hair such a big ugly mess? When was the last time I'd washed it or showered? And what was I wearing?.

Slowly over the next month or so, I started to make small changes each day. I let a little more light in and didn't die from exposure. Jillyan was coming more often to see me and bringing me yummy food which I now looked forward to eating. She wasn't asking any questions or making any observations but I am sure she had to notice that things were changing. I was still wary of leaving my room except for short visits to the bathroom or the kitchen to get more food, but my room was starting to get bigger. Jillyan was carrying blankets and pillows out with each visit and little by little, I was starting to accept the light into my room and into my heart again. I was growing stronger.

Jillyan brought a laptop with her one day. She wanted to show me how to find more songs for the music player and how to upload them. She talked of her love for South Korean pop music and dramas and how she'd first gotten interested in them. She pulled up a photo of a group called Big Bang and told me that the song I listened to over and over was one of theirs. She said she thought that the voice I liked belonged to T.O.P. For the next few weeks, I retreated a bit into my room again. The internet became my home and I was learning everything I could about South Korea, the music, the dramas, Big Bang and T.O.P, as well as other South Korean pop bands, like Jillyan's favorite, Shinee. Somewhere in the middle of it all, a small kernel of an idea started to form inside my brain. Impossible I responded, but the idea began to haunt me and I couldn't get it out of my mind.

Jillyan came to see me early one morning. "How brave are you feeling?"

I shrugged.

"Will you go somewhere with me?"

The thought of stepping outside my room was gut wrenching. I was filled with panic.

Soothingly she said, "It will just be us. No one else. No one else will be around and we can come back when you're ready."

I peered closely at Jillyan. She seemed really tired and worn out. She'd been my light in the darkness for a long time. How could I refuse?

She helped me pick out an outfit and helped me with my hair and makeup. She took hold of my hand and slowly we walked out of the room that had been my sanctuary for so long. She held fast and pulled me along until we were outside of the house. The world seemed too bright and I was afraid.

Carefully, she tucked me in the car and made sure I had my seatbelt on and then got in the driver's seat. She turned to smile encouragingly at me. I had to laugh at the absurdity of it all–my younger sister taking care of me like a child. When had we switched places? I pushed the thought away quickly and took a deep calming breath.

Jillyan drove us to a park and we walked for a while in silence. It was a beautiful spring day. The sun was so bright it made my eyes water but it felt good to be outside. I could sense Jillyan had something she wanted to talk about but she was unsure how to begin. We found a bench under a tree and sat down to rest.

Jillyan turned to me and started simply, "You have to accept what happened and move on with your life."

I didn't know what to say so I stared at my hands in my lap and waited for Jillyan to continue.

"There wasn't anything you could have done. It wasn't your fault. No one blames you or holds you responsible. You were the victim in all of this. You have to let it go."

I could feel hot tears streaming down my cheeks. Jillyan was crying softly too. I knew that she was right. That I had to let it go and move on. But knowing and accepting something are two different species.

I started to speak but Jillyan interrupted me, "Bella, I love you. I just miss my sister. What can I do to help you get over this?"

We sat in silence for a while. Finally, I made a decision. I took a deep breath and started slowly, "I need to get away from everything that reminds me. I need to get away from the people, the places, and the memories."

Jillyan looked at me and for the first time I could see that she saw clearly all the pain I'd been carrying for so long. "Where do we go?"

I glanced up quickly at Jillyan, startled by her question. "We?"

Jillyan smiled through her tears and said simply, "Where you go, I go. Whatever it takes, I want to be by your side to help you. You can't get rid of me."

I wiped my tears away with my sleeve while contemplating the enormity of what I was about to propose. I took one big breath and let it out slowly … "I have an idea but it's really crazy. Enormously crazy. You'll think I've really lost it."

Jillyan laughed and her laughter was hopeful and filled with light. She took my hand. "You've already lost it. Let's see if we can't find it again. I'm in. Whatever it is." 


	2. the journey

I was exhausted. While Jillyan had easily fallen asleep on the plane, I just couldn't stop thinking about the enormity of what we were undertaking. Still I was glad Jillyan had come with me. I thought back over the past year and how much we'd accomplished. And here we were now, on a plane heading to Seoul, South Korea.

Jillyan had immediately been drawn to the idea I had shared with her that day in the park, and she had been our loudest and strongest cheerleader when opposition to our plan was repeatedly raised. Our parents had been the hardest to convince. Jillyan had long been their favorite daughter and the idea of not seeing her on a daily basis and her taking a year away from college was a hurdle almost impossible to overcome. I couldn't help smiling. I could still remember Jillyan's calm reasoned responses to every criticism and objection raised. In the end our parents had simply thrown their hands up in frustration and began to accept and even get involved in the planning.

I had to stifle a giggle at our audacity. Big Bang was not on tour so we'd had plenty of time to prepare–to learn the language, to get accustomed to the food, to make friends with the local Korean community and online, to read blogs about getting the best tickets, how to get into the music shows, what other groups would be performing while we were in Korea that we wanted to see, and to plan as much as we could ahead of time. And to make decisions–lots and lots of decisions. There were days I just wanted to crawl back into my room and it was Jillyan, as always, who pulled me back out into the light. When Big Bang finally announced their upcoming tour, we were ready. Plane tickets purchased, hotel suite rented, and suitcases packed in record time.

I knew I needed to sleep–to get my body in tune with a country thirteen hours ahead–but I was restless. Had we taken on too much? Had we been reckless in making the decision to go to South Korea? Jillyan was still young–only nineteen years old. I was older at twenty-two but I'd lived a mostly sheltered life. What were we thinking going to a foreign country without having anyone we knew there to help us?

I took a deep breath and pushed all these thoughts away from me. I pulled out my music player, put my headset on and played the song that had started it all. As his voice filled my head, I began to relax and breathe more evenly and deeply. I hadn't done it for him. I knew the odds of meeting him were astronomical. I just wanted to be near him, to hear him and see him sing live–to hear those words that had comforted me in the darkness, to thank him in some way for saving my life, and to simply exist for a while in his presence. I felt on intimate terms with all the members of Big Bang in a way I'd never felt before. To me they were family and it wasn't important that they ever knew or met me. I was going to South Korea to find that part of myself I'd lost. And once I found it, then I would decide what my life would look like and what my future would hold. Finally, I fell into a deep sound sleep filled with dreams of South Korea and Big Bang and bursting with light.


	3. destination South Korea

I believed I could live my entire life in our suite and be perfectly happy, which is why it took almost a week for Jillyan to get me to set foot outside the hotel. It wasn't that I was afraid–I just really loved our suite. The common room was huge and there was a huge patio with a nice size pool and hot tub and it was landscaped with beautiful plants and flowers, and I could see the lights of the city at night all around me. The suite had a full size kitchen; there was a large dining table, several sitting areas with room to spread out. On either side of the common room were two bedrooms, each bedroom was a master bedroom with a full bath. I loved that my room had a private patio set off from the main patio. The colors were pastel and the décor was very simple and elegant. We were both staying in the rooms on one side of the common room. I suspected Jillyan had wanted the other bedroom with a private patio but had taken the room next to me instead to keep a watchful eye on me. I was secretly glad–I liked having Jillyan close.

The other reason I hadn't been tempted to leave the suite for a week was because of the suite host. His name was Han Soo Jin and he was an amazing source of knowledge of all things important to us. SooJin was very good at suggesting restaurants we might want to try, foods that we would like and he was also a wiz at talking the kitchen staff into making whatever we wanted. He was worth his weight in gold and I tipped him accordingly. It didn't hurt that he was extremely cute. He kind of looked like Choi Minho of Shinee; dark hair, dark eyes, great smile and 5'11" tall. I sensed he had a crush on Jillyan, but I admit I kind of liked him a little.

We spent the second and third weeks shopping and eating. Well, it felt like that was all we did. Every day we ventured out to explore the city, eat new and interesting foods and soak up as much culture as we could. And we spent tons of money on clothes, shoes and all sorts of wonderful and exotic accessories and jewelry, and also gifts to send home to friends and family. One day I stumbled across this amazing craft store and went crazy buying all sorts of fabric and trims. Jillyan thought I'd lost my mind (I admit I did a little bit). We found the people as a whole to be very friendly and helpful, and also very curious about us. We never really got lost as there was always someone to help us get back on our path. And we really felt like the city was becoming home.

Most days, we got up early, ate breakfast and then hit the streets of Seoul to explore. One of our favorite things was to go to see some of the places we'd seen in our favorite dramas. SooJin offered to take us to some places outside the city on his day off and these trips soon became the highlight of our week. He often brought his mother and his sister with him on these trips, and we got to know them really well during these adventures. Jillyan and his sister, Eun Chae, were about the same age and got along really well. Mostly I talked to SooJin or just listened to music during the drive. We went to so many amazing places and took so many photos. SooJin was fast becoming a good friend to us and he, Eun Chae and his mother were starting to feel like family. During our adventures, I learned that both SooJin and his sister were in college but they were struggling to work, pay for school and support themselves and their mother. I wanted to do something to help them but was unsure of how to do it without overstepping the boundaries of our relationship. So I did nothing and waited for an opportunity.

At the end of every evening, Jillyan would retreat to her room and I would sit on the patio drawing, sketching designs, reading or returning emails from family and friends. Jillyan had created a blog on tumblr and would post stories and photos about our amazing adventures. It was fun to read her blog; her stories were always more exciting and adventure-filled than reality. Still it was nice that she kept everyone back home informed. And it would be a great way to remember our time in South Korea when we returned home.

After a while, we spent less and less time out exploring and more time at the hotel. Back in America I'd studied business and fashion hoping to become a fashion designer some day. During those first few weeks in Seoul, inspiration for all sorts of new skirts, dresses, jackets etc., had been flowing. Jillyan suggested I set up a small studio in one of the extra bedrooms. I had a weird feeling we might have some use for those rooms in the future, and decided instead to see about getting a small conference room or hotel room where I could work without disturbing Jillyan. That is how I ended up with a small studio on the 6th floor of the hotel. The hotel staff removed all the furniture from the room except for a desk and chair. Soon it was filled with fabric, sewing machines, ironing board, iron, sewing paraphernalia and all sorts of pens, pencils and sketchbooks.

I spent a little time every day in my studio, even if just sketching new design ideas and while the walls were quickly filling with sketches, our closets were filling with outfits I made for us to wear. I also hired a trainer and started working out an hour or more every day in the hotel fitness area. Sometimes Jillyan would join me but usually she was on the computer working on her blog or chatting with friends back home or new friends she had made. We usually met up in the early afternoon for a float in the pool and to catch up on what was going on in our lives then went to dinner. Our life was full and we were ready for adventures at the drop of a hat. We were happy. And Big Bang was soon going to be on tour.


	4. first encounters

A Big Bang signing event was being held at a nearby music store. I was so excited about the opportunity to see them but also knew that the lines would form early and the chances of us getting close to them would be very low. Still, we dressed very carefully–I thought maybe wearing a blonde wig would make me stand out in a sea of dark hair. We both agreed that wearing bright colors would also help us stand out. I'd made a t-shirt before I left America which had a sweet photo of T.O.P on one side with the question, "Can you T.O.P this?" On the back it had a sexy photo of T.O.P from the Monster MV and said "Well Played". Over that I wore a bright teal mid-thigh length jacket I'd designed and made in my hotel studio. It had lots of colorful appliques and photos of Big Bang on it and I loved how the skirt would swirl around me when I twirled. Jillyan wore a t-shirt with a photo of G. Dragon on it and a bright yellow hoodie with song titles from Big Bang's albums written all over it in black. Both of us wore jeans and comfortable shoes since we knew we would be standing for a long time.

We took a taxi to the store where the signing was to take place. There were separate lines for each member of Big Bang so I got in T.O.P's line and Jillyan got in G.Dragon's line. The lines were so long. Jillyan was laughing and in a good mood on the way there and that lifted my mood too. I could see her from where I was standing and she seemed to be making lots of friends. 

I had my headset on with Big Bang playing. I wasn't feeling anti-social, I just wanted to people watch without interruption. After standing in line for over three hours, the crowd was starting to get restless. Big Bang was late. The owner of the store was pacing–nervous the crowd would get out of control. I was worried about my and Jillyan's safety so I stepped out of T.O.P's line and asked the manager if he had a bullhorn. He looked at me like I was crazy but I was smiling so he calmed down a little bit. He had me follow him to the back of the store and handed me a bullhorn and with a shrug walked away. 

I quickly took off my shoes and clambered up onto the table where the members of Big Bang were to sign autographs. I screamed really loud into the bullhorn and the noise level dropped immediately while everyone turned to look at me in shock. I smiled my best and brightest smile and started talking loudly into the bullhorn very calmly and clearly. "We are all here to see Big Bang. We are all VIPs. How about we do a chant so when they arrive, they can see how excited and happy we are to see them? Anyone got a good one?"

No one spoke. Whispering voices asking who the hell is this American girl and why is she yelling at us? I took a big breath and began speaking again into the bullhorn. "Okay, I've got one. I'll do it slow and then everyone jump in when you get it. Okay?" I didn't wait for an answer–I just started chanting.

"Dream like a V-I-P. Scream like a V-I-P. Sing like a V-I-P. Dance like a V-I-P. Rap like a T-O-P. G. Dragon. S W A G G E R." The last two words I screamed and drew out into really long words. I had their attention now. People were starting to smile and clap. "Okay–show me your VIP spirit. Everybody.

"Dream like a V-I-P. Scream like a V-I-P. Sing like a V-I-P. Dance like a V-I-P. Rap like a T-O-P. G. Dragon. S W A G G E R." Over and over until everyone had joined in–it was so amazing to hear all those voices in unison screaming my chant. I had created this simple chant while still in America and it had kept me focused on South Korea and Big Bang. It was now focusing the energy in the store. Laughing, I motioned with my hand for them to stop and yelled, "Okay, let's have some fun with this. The left side of the room will start, then the right side will scream V-I-P." I motioned to set a dividing line and lifted my hand to conduct the chant. "Ready?"

I was laughing so hard and everyone was having a great time and it was during the third or fourth time through the chant, each side competing to be the loudest, that Big Bang finally arrived. I kept everyone chanting until all the members of Big Bang had reached the table. When we reached the end of the chant, I motioned for everyone to stop. I bowed deeply and thanked the crowd for allowing me to have some fun, put the bullhorn on the table and turned to get down from the table. I was concentrating on climbing down so I didn't look to see who had taken my hands to help me. When I finally reached the safety of the floor, the manager has holding my right hand and thanking me profusely. I smiled, removed my hand from his and nodded in acknowledgment. He offered to let me go first, but I declined, saying it would not be fair to the fans who've waited so long. I then became aware of someone still holding my left hand and looked over and then up to see T.O.P holding it and a strange expression on his face.

Inside I was screaming, "OH MY GOD, T.O.P IS HOLDING MY HAND." Outwardly, I just smiled up at him and gently removed my hand from his while thanking him for his help. Was it the adrenalin that made me feel so electrified? I quickly bowed to each of the members of Big Bang, picked up my shoes and swiftly began to walk back to my place in line. As I walked back, everyone was clapping and high fiving me and smiling, some even clapped me on the back and thanked me. Even the members of Big Bang seemed to be cheering me on. When I got back in line, I looked at Jillyan who was giving me the double thumbs up signal. She was laughing and telling everyone who would listen that I was her sister. I felt so happy and light.

I wanted to put my headset back on and get lost in the music and people watching, but everyone had become my new best friend. There were so many questions to answer and stories to be heard. These people were serious about Big Bang and were so happy to find kindred spirits. I shared with them our plan to follow Big Bang on tour and even met a few people who were going to do the same. Of course I couldn't get enough of hearing about Big Bang.

I was surprised at how quickly the next two hours passed. Every once in a while I would hear someone chanting and then everyone around them would yell V.I.P. or T.O.P or Swagger. It was like being at a party where everyone knew your name and loved everything you loved. It was awesome. Even though the lines moved very quickly, only Jillyan made it close enough to actually see G. Dragon. Unfortunately, neither of us made it to the signing table.

As we were leaving, the store manager caught up with us and handed me a CD. All the members of Big Bang had signed it and written messages thanking me for my efforts with the crowd. Jillyan and I looked at each other stunned–successful on the first day at seeing Big Bang and also getting a signed CD–awesome. We were screaming and jumping up and down. It felt so amazing and surreal at the same time. Finally, we calmed down and turned to bow and thank the manager who was laughing and shaking his head at us and waving us out of the store. Jillyan and I walked arm in arm happily back toward the hotel yelling out the chant at the top of our lungs. And as we walked, I remembered T.O.P holding my hand. Amazing. Simply Amazing.


	5. unexpected guests

When we returned from the signing, we found SooJin waiting in the lobby watching for our return.

He didn't ask us about the signing. He tersely asked, "We've had a situation come up. Do you have time to have a word with the hotel manager?"

I could tell SooJin was on edge. "Jillyan, why don't you go to the room and I'll meet you in a little while."

She wandered off in the direction of the elevators still chanting.

I followed SooJin to the hotel manager's office. The hotel manager appeared to be in some distress so I mentally prepared myself for the worst.

"The hotel has received an emergency request to rent out all the suites to one group. This group is a long-time customer and I'm loath to disappoint them. However, the representative of the group said they really only needed two rooms and SooJin indicated you are only using two of the four included in your suite. Would you be willing to allow two members of this group to use those rooms? Unfortunately, they cannot be accessed independently from the suite, so the two members would need access to your common area. They are willing to compensate you for the use of the rooms and any charges incurred during their stay."

I listened intently to the manager as he spoke but knew I needed to think about it. I noticed that the manager was being very vague and elusive about the identity of the group and it made me very curious. "I'd like some time to think about it. I also need to talk with Jillyan before I can give you an answer."

I could tell that the manager was hoping for a speedy resolution. He nodded his head as he conceded to my request.

"I will call you in an hour or so with my answer."

SooJin met me as I left the manager's office. I was glad to see him and hoped he might be able to shed more light on the situation and the identity of the group. Unfortunately, SooJin was not able to tell me much more than I had already heard from the manager.

I filled Jillyan in on the situation and went to shower and dress for dinner. I realized we needed more information and that it would not be asking too much to ask to meet the people first and also to have some ground rules for sharing the common area. I spoke with Jillyan and she agreed and we called the hotel manager to let him know our conditions and then went to get some dinner in the hotel restaurant. SooJin found us there a while later and said that a representative of the group would come by the suite tomorrow at one p.m. to meet with us and discuss the situation.

After dinner I headed to my studio and Jillyan headed to the suite. Later that evening we lounged in the pool on floaties and talked about the signing.

"I was stunned to see T.O.P take your hand to help you down. Daesung was actually closer but T.O.P pushed him aside to help you. He had the weirdest look on his face, like he was trying to solve a puzzle or something."

I laughed. "I'll never wash my left hand as long as I live."

"Technically you already have," Jillyan said pointing to my hands in the pool.

"Oh well." So much for that.

Jillyan talked about all the different people she met. "I collected some phone numbers and am going to lunch with my new friends in a couple of days. They might be able to help us get in to see some of the music shows."

We also talked about the mystery identity of our soon to be roommates. Neither of us had any idea who it might be even though we stayed up very late spinning lots of crazy ideas. I had a difficult time falling asleep that night.

***

Lying in bed early the next morning, I was grateful the appointment was at one so I could sleep in a little longer. However, I was suddenly startled by banging on my bedroom door. I sat up and heard SooJin's voice calling my name. I grabbed my robe, threw it on and tying it quickly around my waist, opened the door.

"I'm so sorry for waking you but there was a schedule change and the representative is waiting outside the suite."

"Give me a minute." I ran to the bathroom to make sure I was presentable. I was mildly surprised that I looked pretty okay for being dragged out of bed so early. I ran a brush through my hair and tied it up into a ponytail, threw some water on my face, tossed on the jeans and T-shirt I'd worn to the signing the day before, and went into the common area to answer the door. I met SooJin at the door leading out of the suite and he handed me a packet containing room keys and other items that would be needed if we were to allow the "guests" to stay with us. I was kind of surprised but realized it would be much simpler to be prepared if we agreed to the arrangement rather than take care of it later.

The man at the door was very apologetic.

"Please come in. SooJin, can you bring some breakfast up–the usual plus extra for our guests."

SooJin nodded then left.

I sat down on one of the couches and gestured for the man to sit down across from me. I sat in stunned silence as the man introduced himself as one of the managers of Big Bang. "Unfortunately, we have an issue at the house that needs to be resolved. While that is being taken care of, the members have decided to stay at the hotel. Several members of the management staff will also be staying at the hotel."

I shook my head slightly to clear it of cobwebs. Surely he had not just said Big Bang–what?

There was a knock at the door. "I asked the two individuals who will be staying with you to meet me here."

I assumed surely it would be a stylist or coordinator or some female staff members who would be staying with us. However, when T.O.P and G. Dragon walked through the door, I felt really proud of myself for keeping an even composure on the outside and holding back the riotous fangirling I felt going on inside. I reminded myself to just breathe and wait. Surely this was just bait to get us to agree, the real guests would be arriving shortly.

"I'd like to introduce T.O.P and G. Dragon of Big Bang." The representative sat down again.

I smiled and nodded to T.O.P and G. Dragon to have a seat. WOW–I'm like the perfect hostess, cool, calm, collected and about ready to fall off of this couch. T.O.P walked over, looked at my shirt then at up at my face and sat on the couch next to me. (OMG WHAT.) JiYong sat down next to the representative. They both looked really tired and worn out. Had they looked this tired at the signing yesterday? I felt compassionate towards them, thinking it must be difficult to get any sleep with their busy schedules and fans always trying to get close to them.

I looked back to the representative. He was talking about terms, cost of the hotel room and any expenses, etc. G. Dragon had sunk down into the couch, folded his arms over his chest and looked like he was sleeping. I was afraid to do any more than glance at T.O.P. who seemed to be staring at me with that same puzzled expression he'd worn yesterday at the music store.

Unnerved, I focused on the representative. He was looking expectantly at me and I realized he was waiting for my response. I smiled warmly and began slowly, collecting my thoughts and hatching a strategy as I spoke, "My sister and I are actually here in South Korea to follow Big Bang on tour." This did not seem to surprise the representative and I wondered if the hotel manager, via SooJin, had filled him in on this and what other information about us? Seeing his reaction, I continued a little more boldly, "How about instead of compensating us for room rental and any costs, we make a trade?"

The representative smiled, nodded his head and waited for me to continue.

"We've been trying to get great tickets to the shows but have not been as successful as we would have liked so, perhaps in exchange for the rooms and any costs, you could help us with that? In return, we would offer to treat the members as normal people when they are in the common areas, respect their privacy, allow them to live their lives, and refrain from fangirling or being obnoxious fans in any way." I smiled at G. Dragon who had opened his eyes a bit to study me. Unfazed, I continued, "However, I would ask that they keep in mind that my sister is still very young and naïve. I must insist that they treat her and I with respect, keeping the common areas PG. In return for the tickets, we'll take care of any and all costs charged to the room on their behalf."

The representative was smiling broadly. He seemed very happy with the offer that I'd just made him. I was feeling very odd and kind of amazed at myself for my cool sense of logic but was still not able to look directly at T.O.P, who was now staring at my shirt. (Oh No, my shirt. The shirt I'd worn to the signing–did he recognize it? Had he even seen it?)

The representative wrinkled his brow and asked what PG meant. I explained the movie rating system in America and that PG stood for parental guidance.

The representative nodded his head more vigorously. "That shouldn't be a problem. I"ll need to make a phone call about the tickets."

I nodded my agreement.

He was just getting up to leave the room to make a call when Jillyan came out of her bedroom and entered the common area. Still dressed in her pajamas and hair all a mess, she walked over to me rubbing her eyes and grumbling about being woken up so early when she noticed G. Dragon was staring at her with an expression of amusement. Startled and wide eyed, she looked first at me, then G. Dragon, then me, then T.O.P (who had stopped staring at me to stare at her), then at me again, and then with a little scream and perfectly executed pirouette, she turned and fled from the common area.

The representative gave me a quizzical look.

I smiled. "It might take my sister a little while to get used to the unusual situation."

While the representative was out of the room talking to his higher ups, I noticed G. Dragon staring at me. I smiled then turned to look at T.O.P, who was again staring at me but with a slightly amused expression. I remembered my shirt, smiled, nodded and having nothing else to really say or do, excused myself. I heard laughter and blushed as I realized what was on the back of my shirt. I ignored it, kept walking and went to check on Jillyan.

Her head buried in her pillow, she kept repeating over and over, "No, No, No. I must have imagined it. It can't be." Nothing to be done here; she would figure it out eventually.

I went to my own room to change into a fresh set of clothes having become painfully aware of the impact my t-shirt was having on our guests. I put on a plain white fitted T-shirt and light peach hoodie and went back to the common area. The representative was not back yet.

"Would you like something to drink? I asked.

G. Dragon smiled, "No." T.O.P just continued to stare at me like I was a strange and curious thing. I felt like a strange and curious thing. I shrugged, went to the kitchen to get some juice, and walked out to the patio to distract myself from the strangeness of their presence in my suite.

It was a beautiful morning and although the weather was a little cool, the sun felt very warm on my shoulders and head. I picked up the signed cd from yesterday's signing and carried it with me into the common area. I'd decided to go sit back on the couch when I heard SooJin at the door. He brought in two carts loaded with breakfast foods.

"Let's set this up on the patio. It's such a beautiful day," I said.

I walked over to the two men on the sofas. "There's food if you're hungry. Please help yourself."

T.O.P slowly got up and looked at me really hard like he was trying to figure me out. (I think I stopped breathing. Even tired and worn out, he was still amazingly handsome.) When he saw the cd in my hand, he glanced up at me quickly, a startled expression on his face. He took the cd from my hand and studied it carefully. G. Dragon got up, smiled at me and grabbed T.O.P's arm and pulled him in the direction of the patio.

I'd thought them very tired but it turned out they were also very hungry and breakfast was quickly disappearing.

"Jillyan, come get some breakfast."

She walked into the room and headed to the patio where we usually ate breakfast, took one look at the guys eating (who by this time were looking at her again, this time a little more friendly). She calmly turned and walked quickly back to her room where we heard her screaming again, "No. No. No."

SooJin shot me a questioning look and while walking him to the door, I explained the situation. "Can you please bring more food?"

He smiled.

"I'll call you later and give you the full report."

I heard him laughing as he walked away from our suite and I couldn't help but shake my head and laugh at his accurate assessment of the situation.

The representative came back to the common area and was surprised to find T.O.P and G. Dragon missing. I pointed to the patio and the representative smiled. "We've been working all night. We didn't even stop to eat."

"Please help yourself. More food is on the way."

He excused himself to make a quick call. I decided to wait to eat until SooJin returned with more food. I sat down on the couch and tried to look comfortable. A few minutes later, I answered a knock on our suite door only to find the remaining three members of Big Bang standing on the other side. Whoa. I gestured for them to come inside, pointed in the direction of the food then watched as each of them smiled, bobbed their head then headed straight for the patio without a word.

I called the kitchen and reached Soojin. "We have more guests. We are going to need a lot more food." I hung up to the sounds of his laughter.

The representative came back in the room and joined Big Bang on the patio and began eating.

It was amazing how much food they consumed in such a short time. T.O.P finished eating and stood to stretch and then lay down on one of the patio lounges.

Bravely, I asked, "Would you be more comfortable in a bedroom?"

He just shrugged, lay down and closed his eyes. One by one each of the guys finished eating and repeated T.O.P's exact movements until all five members of Big Bang were asleep on lounges on the patio. I thought surely these guys had rooms with beds to sleep in. After all, we were only loaning two rooms. Why would they prefer to sleep on patio lounges?

While I watched them sleep, I mentally went through my Big Bang facts list: Choi Seung-hyun, stage name T.O.P, born November 4, 1987; 25 years old. Kwon Ji-yong, stage name G. Dragon, born August 18, 1988, 24 years old and the leader. Dong Young-bae, stage name Taeyang, born May 18, 1988, age 24. Kang Dae-sung, stage name Daesung, born April 26, 1989, age 23. Lee Seung-hyun, stage name Seungri, born December 12, 1990, age 22 and the macknae. There was more but that was all I managed to remember sitting there watching them.

Finally the representative was done eating. "I'm sorry."

"No. It's okay. I've ordered more food and we're happy to be able to feed Big Bang."

"I have some additional questions. How long do you plan to be in South Korea, how many tickets and for which shows did you want them. Are you planning to follow Big Bang outside of South Korea and if so, what shows and/or countries?" After another thirty minutes on the phone, he'd ironed out a deal with us for the trade.

I handed him the access cards for the two rooms.

"Can we also get access cards for the other members?"

I looked at him questioningly.

"They'll likely be hanging out together and based on what had happened this morning, you will probably see as much of them as T.O.P and G. Dragon."

"I don't think it will be a problem to get more cards. I'll call the hotel manager."

"We will provide concert tickets as well as all access passes. If you wanted to change your tickets or are not going to be able to use them, please call me directly. You will not be able, under any circumstance, to sell your tickets or all access passes."

"If one of us cannot attend, would it be okay to bring a friend?"

"I'll check and get back to you but I think that will be acceptable."

We shook on our tentative arrangement. "I'll have an agreement prepared and sent over for you to sign."

"I'd like to have my lawyer to review it."

He seemed unconcerned. "Thank you for breakfast." He handed me his business card, gave the access cards to T.O.P and G. Dragon then left.

I stood at the door for ten minutes letting it sink in. T.O.P and G. Dragon were actually going to be staying in our suite. Whoa. I was startled at the knock at the door. SooJin had brought more food. I asked him to set it up at the dining table since the members of Big Bang were sleeping on the patio. How strange and weird to hear those words come from my own mouth. Even stranger was that I was standing there perfectly calm. I guessed that it would hit me later and just accepted it.

SooJin loaded up the dishes from the patio.

"Can you get some extra access cards to the suite for the other members of Big Bang?

"I"ll take care of it. I'll be back in a little while to get the rest of the dishes."

I called Jillyan in and we sat down to eat breakfast at the dining table. We had just filled our plates when the sleeping dead came back to life, drawn by the delicious aromas. I thought they had eaten their fill but apparently it's very difficult to fill up young men. They descended on us and the food and before Jillyan or I had even begun to finish our breakfast, the table was clear.

"If you want more to eat, there's food in the fridge," I said to no one in particular.

Soon a crowd began to form in the kitchen. Jillyan had reclaimed some of her composure and was siting, mouth agape, staring at the unusual scene unfolding in the kitchen. There seemed to be some discussion going on about what we had in our refrigerator. I got up to get more juice and the guys quickly moved out of the way. I turned to face them and smiled. "I'm Bella and that's my sister Jillyan."

Daesung smiled back. "I'm Kang Daesung."

"What should I call you?"

"Daesung is fine."

One by one the guys introduced themselves and told us what we should call them. Taeyang, Seungri, Tabi or T.O.P, JiYong or G. Dragon.

"In the refrigerator, we have eggs and ham and fixings for omelets, cheese and bacon for grilled sandwiches, rice, fruits and veggies. We also have some frozen foods that can be microwaved."

They seemed confused by all of the choices. "How about I make omelets?"

They nodded in agreement. Jillyan by now had gravitated to the edge of the kitchen, curiosity overcoming her fear. I motioned for the guys to sit on the other side of the bar. The cooking stove was part of a bar with seating (six bar stools) on the other side, I guess so you can cook and talk to your friends at the same time, or in this case cook for an audience.

I started pulling out ham, eggs, rice, onions, peppers, different kinds of cheese, etc. and started rounding up bowls, pans, utensils, plates, etc. "Jillyan, can you help?"

My question seemed to shake her out of her semi-coma state.

We'd made omelets at a local diner one year when'd volunteered to feed bikers during an early morning bike-a-thon. We'd made giant omelets and they were hugely popular. When everything was out and ready, I asked, "Who wants to go first? No one answered so I pointed to Daesung. "What do you want on your omelet?

Jillyan and I worked really well together and were also very fast at making omelets.  I would cook the first layer of the omelet in a pan and add the filling items, and Jillyan would cook a top layer for the omelet in a separate pan. We would then add shredded cheese as "glue" and bring the two layers together into one big giant omelet. Jillyan and I would usually split one of these giant omelets and that would fill us both up, but based on what we'd just witnessed of the food disappearing, we decided to make full size ones. It wasn't long before omelets were finished and on plates. One by one the guys would take a bite of their omelet, indicate their approval (usually with a grunt or nod) and wander off to find a place to sit and eat. All except for Seungri. He was very interested in our omelet making methods and when I left to take a shower, he and Jillyan were deep in discussion.

When I came back out into the common area an hour later, only Tabi and JiYong were there, still sleeping on the patio. Even Jillyan seemed to have wandered off. I stood marveling and wondering, how had all of this happened? Was making one monumental decision enough to set in motion a million other miracles? Did our decision to take a leap of faith, to come to South Korea, to follow Big Bang, lead us to this place?

The weather had turned a bit cooler so I grabbed a few blankets and carefully laid them over the sleeping bodies of Tabi and JiYong. I remembered reading an article about Tabi sleepwalking, so I very gently started to tuck the blanket in securely around him. I was nearly finished when I heard a soft whisper, "rap like a T.O.P." Startled I glanced up at his face. His eyes were only open a little but he winked and smiled. I smiled back shyly. He recognized me from the signing. The T-shirt must have given me away. I wanted to sit on the patio and stare at them for hours, but I'd promised the representative we would treat them as normal people so I decided to go for a walk.

In the lobby I ran into SooJin and filled him in on what had transpired. He seemed amused but not surprised.

"Big Bang has stayed at the hotel a few times since I began working here."

"I was so surprised at my own composure."

He just shook his head. "Bella, you are so cool. I knew you'd be okay. Is Jillyan any better?"

I laughed. "I wish I knew–she seems to have disappeared."

"Don't worry. I'm sure she's fine." He handed me the three extra access cards.

"Hey SooJin. How much food does a guy usually can eat?"

He roared with laughter, shook his head and left me standing there speechless.

Had I made a mistake? Would buying our own concert tickets have been cheaper than the deal I'd brokered? All access passes were impossible to get but did we really need them if they were living with us? I shook my head. There wasn't anything I could do now to change it.

***

The rest of that day was pretty uneventful. By the time I finished my walk, only Jillyan was in the suite. We didn't see Big Bang much for the next few days. Life returned to normal. But there was one small thing. I found the cd sitting on the table on the patio. I'd not had a chance to look at it after the signing, so I opened it up and inside was a note from Tabi which included his cell phone number and asked me to call him. I tried to remember if that had been there before.

"Did you notice any phone numbers when you looked at the CD?

"I looked at it but I don't remember seeing any phone numbers in it. Just messages of gratitude and signatures."

Had he added his number that morning while eating breakfast or at the signing. It was a curious feeling I had as I entered the phone number into my cell phone. I knew I wasn't actually ever going to call him, but I liked the idea that I could. I liked it a little more than I cared to admit. I never even thought it might not be his number or that someone else might have written that note.


	6. Friendly Fire

Over the next week or so, we noticed how tired and stressed the guys had been and decided to lighten one of their days with a challenge. One night the guys arrived home after a late night rehearsal to find a table set up just inside the door to the suite. On the table were T-shirts with each of the guy's names pinned on them and medium sized water guns. At first the guys were confused until the security guards came inside and blocked the exits and then Jillyan and I appeared from our hiding places. We were dressed in white sleeveless shirts and military pants and armed to the teeth with giant supersoakers and smaller water guns strapped to our thighs and calves. We'd prepared for battle and it was to be a fight to the death.

I explained the rules. "The T-shirts will register any hits that you take. Tabi–we made your t-shirt larger so you can wear it over your existing clothes. Everyone else will need to strip and change."

JiYong asked, "When do we get to see you strip and change?"

I flashed him a wicked smile, "Oh–so sorry, you just missed it."

He laughed humorlessly. Jillyan and I waited while they went to JiYong's room to strip and put on their designated t-shirts. When they returned, I continued with the rules, "No one leaves the suite until the winner has been decided. Obviously there are 5 of you and only 2 of us so we are more heavily armed. However, if one of you is willing to betray Big Bang and join us, we will switch to more equally sized weapons."

They looked at each other questioningly. I thought Seungri might join us because he seemed to like Jillyan; but eventually no one moved to join us. They had decided to defeat us as a group.

I continued, "Jillyan and I will start outside the suite. We will give you a ten second head start to find a strategic position from which to defend. Then we will begin hunting. Please note that this is strictly a non-contact sport for today." I smiled. "So don't think you can overpower us and take our weapons. You will note that security is armed with water guns and any use of direct physical force will result in your eviction from the game. Are we clear?"

Five unhappy voices mumbled in unison. They obviously were considering some type of direct physical assault. It wasn't that Jillyan or I wouldn't have wanted that, but best to kept things arms-length when at war. I motioned for one of the security personnel to come forward and while he held an extra t-shirt, I demonstrated how the water from the guns would cause the T-shirts to change color. They all took turns shooting the shirt until it was multi-colored.

"When you're hit, you need to count to four before shooting again. Security will be watching to make sure you follow the rules. Any questions?"

The guys began picking up water guns and putting extras in their pockets and jean waistbands.

Jillyan gave me a quizzical look while we waited out in the hall for the ten second count but I ignored it.

"Bella, why didn't you mention we've been practicing with the supersoakers for some time in secret?"

I smiled. "Our accuracy and strategy versus their strength in number might just be the extra edge we needed to win. Remember, there are five of them and only two of us."

Jillyan giggled. "How long do you think it will take for them to realize our T-shirts don't change color when they're hit?"

We both laughed but sobered up quickly when the count finished. Eventually they would figure it out and when that happened, all bets were off.

We entered the suite cautiously. We'd strategized with SooJin about the most likely places someone might hide and had worked out a tag team approach for clearing the suite. We did a general spread of water before heading into an area, hoping to catch sight of some flash of color. Daesung was the first tagged. We saw his shoe sticking out from behind the couch. Jillyan took point and I covered. When Daesung yelled at being hit, JiYong revealed his position but I was able to make a long-distance hit. Tabi popped his head up from behind a lounge and Jillyan's shot caught the side of his head but not his shirt. He yelled and ducked as Taeyang came out from one of the bedrooms–he was a crazy man–shooting and running and ducking. He was the hardest to hit and to duck.

Daesung recovered and shot at Jillyan, just missing her shoulder. Jillyan pirouetted in time to save me from being hit by JiYong. I leapt over the couch and rolled in time to hit Tabi in the shoulder while also nearly being hit by Taeyang. Seungri and Daesung were double-timing Jillyan who was backed into a bedroom, but I was able to take Seungri out with a low hip shot while Taeyang hit me in the leg. I was shooting with two guns now; shoot, duck, aim–shoot, take cover–shoot, jump–shoot, roll–shoot, crawl–shoot, on and on.

Soon everyone was running, shooting, darting, covering, yelling and generally having a great time. When Jillyan took a direct chest hit from Taeyang, the guys finally figured out that our shirts weren't changing colors and then it was all out war. By the time the game ended, we were a big wet soggy pile on the floor laughing hysterically and shooting water at each other point blank. Jillyan's and my shirt were still white so it was easy to distinguish us in the pile of guys wearing brightly colored shirts.

A knock at the door caught our attention and housekeeping came in bringing towels for all and beginning to clean up the mess we'd made. (Fortunately Soojin had suggested covering the furniture and furnishings with plastic first so nothing would get damaged.) Everyone went to change into dry clothes and then met back at the now clean and dry suite. Soojin and Eunchae had arrived and we sat on the floor of the patio eating pizza and breadsticks while telling and retelling our war stories.

"I think Big Bang one this one," Taeyang said.

"No way," Jillyan said.

"Your shirts didn't turn colors. You cheated," Top said.

"Okay, okay. Big Bang won this one," I said.

"Fighting," Seungri yelled as the guys high-fived each other.

"But we demand a rematch," I said.

"Can we join your team for the next match?" Soojin asked.

"Yes, please?" Eunchae added.

"Sounds like a plan," Jillyan said.

"Yeah. Definitely. We can use all the help we can get against Big Bang." I added.

We sat for a long time on the patio, reluctant to leave the camaraderie that had been established; but eventually people started heading off to bed. I stayed until everyone had gone. It had been a good day and I wasn't ready to end it yet.

I was surprised when JiYong came back out onto the patio. He sat down beside me and smiled. "Thank you so much for the game today. It was a difficult day for everyone and we really needed some stress relief."

I smiled, "It's just part of the package you signed up for when we agreed to share the suite. Besides, it's so much more fun doing these things with a group."

JiYong leaned back in the lounge then taking my hand in his, he closed his eyes. "I can't tell you how much it has meant to me to have you here in the suite."

I didn't know what to say. After a while I realized JiYong had fallen asleep. I gently pulled my hand away then covered him with a blanket. I sat down beside him and peered at him closely. He looked so tired and worn out. Being the leader must be very difficult. _What did he think I was to him?_ I let it go. He's just tired. He's just glad to have someone shoulder some of his burden.


	7. Round Two

One afternoon as Jillyan and I lounged in the pool on our floatation devices, talking and listening to music, JiYong came out onto the patio. He was dressed in swim trunks but made no move to get into the pool. Instead, he lay down on a lounge and crossing his arms over his chest, closed his eyes. We had greeted him but now went back to our usual conversation.

Jillyan was complaining about how difficult we were finding it to get in to the music shows to see the acts performing. We would arrive ridiculously early and still never made it in the door. We were talking strategies when we heard footsteps running toward the patio. We looked up in time to see Tabi cannon balling into the pool. We screamed and jumped out of his way. He splashed both of us getting our hair wet but he also splashed JiYong who was now wide awake and wearing a look of disgust on his face.

It made me kind of mad and maybe I overreacted but when he emerged from beneath the water's surface, I stood facing him from across the pool, hands on my hips and very slowly and deliberately, in my meanest, sternest, most evilest voice said, "Tabi … I'm going to kill you. Prepare to die."

Tabi laughed as if it was the funniest thing but Jillyan took one look at my face and started to tremble.

I repeated, "You really must prepare to die."

Tabi, still laughing, looked at me like I was crazy and that is when Jillyan began speaking in a scared tone of voice, "Tabi, get out of the pool. Get out of the pool now."

Tabi looked from me to Jillyan, still smiling but unsure. Still considering whether we were joking or not. I started to advance slowly across the pool toward him.

Jillyan put herself in between us and yelled, "Tabi, get out of the pool. Get out now. Please for the love of God just get out of the pool."

I looked at Jillyan and said, "Get out of my way, Jillyan. I love you but I will not hesitate to kill you too. You know he has to die."

Jillyan became really hysterical and waved her hands to ward me off while trying to force Tabi to get out of the pool.

I glanced at JiYong. He was having a difficult time holding in his laughter. I shot him an evil look then focused my attention again on Tabi. "Tabi, I'm sorry but you're a dead man. I am going to kill you."

Jillyan screamed "TABI, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET OUT OF THE POOL. NOW. SHE HAS A BLACK BELT IN KARATE AND KNOWS KRAV MAGA. SHE IS TOTALLY NOT KIDDING."

Tabi's face was all confusion and fear and he started to head to the pool stairs.

JiYong asked innocently, "What's Krav Maga?"

I took another step toward Jillyan and not taking my eyes off Tabi, calmly replied, "Eighty-six ways to rip a guy's balls off."

JiYong struggled to keep from laughing, but Tabi had decided it was wise to get out of the pool. He leapt toward the pool stairs and stumbled on the steps trying to get out of the pool as quickly as possible.

I glared at him for a moment and then fixed Jillyan with a deadly stare as I advanced on her. Tabi watched horrified from the sidelines. When I was about a foot away from Jillyan, I spoke very seriously, "Well, I thought your acting was a bit over the top, but it was really effective at getting Tabi out of the pool."

At these words, JiYong erupted in laughter. Tears streamed down his cheeks, he was in danger of falling off his lounge.

Jillyan grinned. "Yeah I thought I was laying it on a bit thick too, but he wasn't reacting as quickly as I thought he should. But you, oh my god, you were so good. I am just in awe at your amazing ability to not laugh once during the whole thing. I nearly lost it twice."

I giggled and looked over at Tabi, comprehension slowly dawning on his face.

JiYong looked over at Tabi and laughing said, "Tabi, they really got you." To us, "You guys are so mean but that was really great. It's usually really difficult to get Tabi."

I flashed a wicked smile at JiYong. "Is your having a difficult time restraining your laughter part of the reason?"

JiYong just laughed.

I shot one last evil look at Tabi, then grabbed my floatie and went back to floating in the pool. Jillyan did the same and as we floated, we continued to compliment each other on our great acting skills and how awesome we both were. Tabi growled at us and stomped out of the suite.

I looked up at JiYong, "He's probably getting reinforcements to take us down. Whose side are you on?"

JiYong grinned. "I wouldn't dare go against you after witnessing that."

Jillyan and I giggled and then returned to our earlier discussion.

Suddenly all this pranking was making me hungry. I climed out of the pool and called SooJin to order nachos for a crowd then jumped back into the pool and continued to float and talk with Jillyan.

A few minutes later, we heard Tabi yelling and he, Taeyang, Daesung and Seungri came running out onto the patio. Tabi was telling some story about how horrible we'd been to him but JiYong interrupted him. 'Wait, you need to hear the real story."

SooJin arrived with the nachos in the middle of the story and the guys munched on nachos while JiYong finished his story. Tabi was really mad about us pulling the prank on him until SooJin said, "Well Bella did help the local police capture a serial rapist."

"What? No way." Seungri said.

"Yeah. There's even video to prove it."

"What happened?" JiYong asked.

"Bella met a man one night when they were out to dinner. He expressed an interest in her fashion designs. She made arrangements to meet him and a well-known designer a few nights later. The meeting time and location were subsequently changed to a hotel room. I was worried it might be a set up but Jillyan said not to worry. Bella could take care of herself.

"Later that night, Bella met the man at the hotel room and right away she sensed trouble. She started to leave and the guy tried to drag her onto the bed so she punched him in the nose, kicked him in the groin, knocked him down to the floor and ran out of the room. He caught up with her out in the hallway and she basically took him out with just a few quick moves. Jillyan, can I borrow your laptop to show them the video?"

"Sure."

SooJin pulled up the video while everyone crowded around. The video was not of great quality, but it clearly showed the man coming after me. When he grabbed my hand, I flipped him onto the ground, kicked him a couple of times in strategic places and then put one high heel clad foot squarely and not so nicely on his groin to keep him from getting away.

SooJin continued, "Luckily there was a witness who saw everything and filmed it with his cell phone. The police arrived and DNA tests revealed he was a serial rapist they'd been trying to catch for three months. The guy had a broken nose, black eye, several broken ribs, and other injuries. Fortunately, because of the witness, they knew Bella was just protecting herself. I found out about it when a friend of mine sent me a link to the video and I recognized Bella. It was on the news later that night and even though they tried to keep her identity a secret, everyone here at the hotel knew. So, Mr. Choi, you really need to be careful not to make Bella mad."

Tabi's face was inscrutable but clearly this revelation had a sobering effect on him. He walked over to the pool and sat down at the edge. "I'm sorry I splashed you."

"Thanks but it was rude of us to have acted that way. I'm sorry. We were just having a little fun."

He smiled a lopsided smile and then got up, walked over to the stairs and got in the pool. Jillyan handed him her floatie and got out of the pool to go watch the video. SooJin and the other guys were still watching the video over and over, yelling at the screen, and eating nachos. Jillyan joined them.

Tabi floated closer to me and asked, "Were you scared when that guy attacked you?"

"Yeah. I know how to protect myself, but there's always an element of the unknown. This guy was easy to take out but you just never know. Best to try to avoid those situations."

Tabi nodded his head, seemingly satisfied with my answer. We floated for a while in the pool, close enough I could've reached out my hand and touched him, but millions of miles apart lost in our own thoughts. I wanted to ask him about the phone number in the cd but I just couldn't do it.

After a while the nachos disappeared and with them Taeyang, SooJin and Daesung. Seungri and Jillyan were sitting on the couches talking but I couldn't really hear what they were saying. They seemed to be hitting it off which was weird. Jillyan had always expressed an interest in JiYong.

JiYong had fallen back asleep on one of the lounges. I realized I was starting to get a little pruney and needed to get out of the pool but I was loathe to leave. I really liked being close to Tabi, even if it was just floating in a pool beside him.

I sighed, stretched, and sank down to the bottom of the pool as my floatie drifted away. A part of me wished I could just stay at the bottom. It was so quiet and peaceful and if I died right now, my last memory would be of floating with Tabi. I sighed inwardly. Surfacing, I bid Tabi a good night and swam to the pool stairs.

Tabi followed my progress with his eyes but didn't try to stop me. I climbed the pool stairs achingly slow. I was tired and kind of sad. I grabbed my beach towel and wrapped it around me then sat down on the foot of one of the lounges.

JiYong got up and walked over to where I was sitting. He grabbed another towel and started rubbing my head with it to dry my hair. I protested but he ignored me and continued to rub my head with the towel until finally he was satisfied. I shot him a mean look but couldn't hold it–he was too close to me and I kind of lost my mind for a second. _Had he always been this cute?_ I took the towel from his hands and used it to make a turban over my hair. He shrugged then sat back down on his lounge.

I stomped off to my bedroom to shower. _How had I never noticed that JiYong was so handsome?_ It annoyed me. I shoved the thought away from me as far as I possibly could and started thinking about dinner. Stupid guys had eaten all my nachos and I was starving.

Dinner that night was quiet. The guys had filled up on nachos and were going out with friends to a club. They had invited us to go but we really didn't know them well enough yet. After they left, Jillyan and Seungri decided to go out to dinner leaving me in the suite alone. 

SooJin stopped by as he was getting off work.

"Do you want to get some dinner?" I asked.

Over dinner, SooJin confided in me. "I'm so worried about my family. We're really struggling right now. We might lose our home."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No." He shook his head.

I'd offered to help in the past but as usual, he refused any assistance.

I spent the rest of the evening on the patio wrapped in a blanket dozing and dreaming of Tabi, JiYong and floating.


	8. It's Never Okay

Over the next week or so, we began to see a bit more of Big Bang. They were really busy preparing for the upcoming tour but they seemed to like hanging out in the suite and we were starting to get to know them better. As a result of the water gun fight and the pool incident, we were always pulling pranks on each other; silly things. Jillyan and I continued with our normal routine, still trying to get into the music shows to see some of our other favorite bands perform. We listened to music in the suite almost every day.

DaeSung and JiYong were talking on the patio while Seungri and Jillyan lounged together being silly. They'd been spending a lot of time together. Jillyan kept insisting they were just friends but I wondered if I should worry. Instead, I just kept a watchful eye on them.

Tabi was reading on another lounge and Taeyang was in the pool arguing with EunChae about something random. SooJin was sitting on a lounge next to me just watching everyone and chilling on his day off. I was sitting on the patio stretched out on a beach towel looking over some designs and trying to decide which I would make next. It was a nice relaxing day and everyone was in a mellow mood.

Before we left for South Korea, Jillyan and I had created a bit of a dance fad at home with Moon Hee Jun's song It's Not Okay. The song starts out with soft electronic music and then you hear a loud beat. Six loud beats are spaced out evenly with the final two beats of the intro coming in close together. When we would hear the song start, I would sit up startled and look for Jillyan, yelling "Oh my god. No. Not Moon Hee Jun"

When the first beat would sound, I would act like I was hit with a bolt of lightning and fall out of my chair. I would scream Jillyan's name and when the second beat hit, she would go flying out of her chair while I acted like I got hit again. While the beats were coming, we would yell back and forth trying to reach each other as we kept getting thrown around the room. With the final two loud beats, we would lose all expression from our face and behave as if we had been taken over by the music, dancing in unison as the first words of the song began. "Sarangeungago gaseumi teojige Neoreul bulleo bwado" (Love is lost and I scream your name).

As the song played, we would dance. We liked to add ballet steps–twirls and pirouettes–as well as acrobatic moves mixed in with more modern dance moves. After the final I'm Not Okay of the song, at the last beat, we would stop and drop our heads and stand perfectly still until it turned to an electric sound. Then in sync with it, we would lift our heads and open our eyes and return to whatever we were doing before the song came on, picking up conversations as if we had never moved.

All our friends thought we were crazy, but they jumped right in with us when we talked the DJ into playing it at the local club. By the time we left for South Korea, everyone in our small town was listening to Moon Hee Jun and anticipating dancing to it at the club.

When Jillyan heard the first notes of the song, she reached over and turned the stereo up. Without looking at Jillyan, I started.

At first no one knew what was going on so they simply stared in shock. Even JiYong had not guessed that this was another prank. It was when we began dancing that they finally caught on. Jillyan and I continued our dance without changing expression. We continued dancing until the end of the song and then went back to what we were doing.

No one reacted. Jillyan and I exchanged a brief puzzled glance. Tabi stood, walked over to the music player and set it back to Moon Hee Jun. Startled, I again started and this time everyone joined in. Jillyan and I laughed while dancing because it is a joyous and amazing thing when you find your tribe and they instantly understand your brand of insanity.

After the song finished, Tabi came over to sit on the lounge next to me. He seemed to want to talk to me about something but just then my phone rang. I excused myself and went to my room to take the call.

A while ago I'd spoken to a lawyer in Seoul about purchasing a house in South Korea. We'd discussed it and he'd suggested that I create a corporation with another South Korean citizen and for the corporation to own the property. I'd talked to SooJin and he was willing to help me. Once the corporation was set up, I'd called a realtor. She'd been emailing different property information and photographs and I'd found one in which I was really interested. She was calling to ask if now would be a good time to go visit the property and I agreed excitedly.

I changed into jeans and a t-shirt then went out to the patio. "Soojin, can you go somewhere with me?" He nodded, immediately understanding why I was asking and went to change.

Tabi sulked, seemingly miffed by my asking SooJin instead of him but SooJin was the only person who even knew I was looking for a house. I hadn't even told Jillyan. Not even SooJin knew that I planned never to return to America. South Korea was my home now and I saw my future here.

The house was just outside of Seoul in the _______ district. It was more like an estate as it was surrounded by and came with quite a lot of acreage. The house was huge, big enough to fit an army. I'd started to think it might be too big when I found my bedroom.

It was this amazingly large room with a huge dressing room and closet, and a fabulous bathroom with a walk in shower and cast iron tub. It also had a fireplace. What I loved best about the room was the patio. It spanned most of the width of the room. There were large trees near the patio for shade and steps leading down to an even larger patio on the first floor. You could see all of the property from the room and that's when I noticed another building in the distance.

"What is that building I see?" I asked as I pointed to it."

"Oh that's the caretaker's house," she said.

"Soojin, do you mind checking it out while I continue exploring the house?"

"Sure."

While I explored, the realtor explained about the stone wall surrounding the property, the gate and house security. "There's a pool too."

"Really? Can we go see it?"

"Sure. The house has been empty for nearly five years, being such an extensive and expensive property. It's a bit too much for most people."

I was exploring the giant kitchen when SooJin came running into the house out of breath. He grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the house and across the yard. He was babbling on about something saying over and over, "It's perfect."

When we arrived at the caretaker's house, I immediately felt it. This was home, not for me, but for SooJin and his family. Upstairs were three large bedrooms; a master bedroom with a private bath and two smaller bedrooms which shared a full bath. Downstairs was a smaller bathroom, large kitchen, living room and sitting area. It had an amazing porch and there was even a garden area now growing wild. SooJin was beaming and showing me every little thing.

I knew then, no matter what, I had to have this property. I called my lawyer and financial manager back in the states and told them what I wanted to do. I made an offer on the estate.

As we walked around the property, we discussed painting and preparing the caretaker's house for his family and also work that would need to be done on the big house. SooJin was quiet on the way home, lost in his own thoughts for the future.

I was reading the information the realtor had left with me and noticed there was one other building on the property, a small chapel. I couldn't wait to go back and see it. I was already imagining my bedroom. I wanted it to look like an Italian villa with a tree painted on one wall. Against another wall, I could see a big cast iron bed with delicate lace coverlets.

There was something else I wanted to do for SooJin and his family, something to secure their future. I decided when we announced that I'd bought a house, I would make sure that last item was taken care of too.

"We have to keep it a secret, SooJin. No one can know until it's a done deal." I could tell it was going to be a struggle and not just for him.

When we arrived back at the suite, everyone was still hanging out on the patio. I went to my room to stash the information I'd received from the realtor. SooJin followed me in and we danced and jumped on the bed screaming. Then we sat on the bed and talked for hours about the new life we were going to have in our new homes.

After he left, I sat and daydreamed on my bed about my future and not once did Tabi or JiYong or Big Bang appear in those dreams.

When I emerged from my bedroom hours later, a crowd had formed in the common area. Jillyan was wearing a beautiful teal dress with matching heels, and was sitting on a couch next to Seungri talking animatedly with EunChae. Eun Chae was dressed in a stunning yellow dress. Daesung and Taeyang were sitting on the other couch listening to Jillyan and Eun Chae's conversation. JiYong and Tabi were in the kitchen talking and drinking bottled water.

Jillyan spotted me first and yelled for me to come join them. I walked over to the couches and sat down in one of the overstuffed chairs feeling very underdressed in my T-shirt and jeans.

"We're going out for dinner tonight. All of us together." Jillyan seemed different tonight, more animated and sparkling. Any fear or anxiety she'd felt in the beginning when she first saw JiYong and Tabi in our suite had entirely disappeared. She seemed perfectly at home in the midst of the group. I marveled at her–she looked so relaxed and beautiful.

Jillyan got up from the couch and came to sit on the arm of my chair. She leaned over conspiratorially and whispered, "It was my and Seungri's idea to get everyone together for dinner. After all, what better way to get everyone better acquainted."

I stared in awe at Jillyan–she was a force of light and life in this room tonight.

She pulled me out of the chair and half pulled-half pushed me back to my room. "You need something amazing to wear." She pulled a dress out of my closet. It was one I'd bought the first day we went shopping in Seoul. I had realized after I bought it that I probably would never wear it. It was a silky black strappy dress, very form fitting and short and totally not my style.

"Jillyan, no.  I'ts pretty but I feel naked when I wear it."

She laughed and continued coaxing me into the dress while she picked out shoes. "Put some makeup on and do something with your hair."

While she waited for me to get ready, she lounged on my bed and talked nonstop about Seungri. "That first morning, he was so friendly and warm and interesting. I really like him. Isn't that funny since I always thought I'd like JiYong best? Now that I've met Seungri, I can't even imagine liking anyone else in Big Bang as well. Isn't that funny?" And on and on about how handsome he was and how he was so perfect for her.

I pulled the sides of my long, straight mahogany hair back into a sparkly barrette. It would do. I usually didn't wear any makeup except for a light base. I tried to remember the last time I'd worn makeup. I sparingly applied eye shadow, eyeliner, blush, mascara, and lipstick. I slipped the dress on over my head, fastened the heels Jillyan had designated as acceptable on my feet and took a good look at myself in the mirror. Confusion washed over me. The woman that stared back at me was–what was she? Who was she? Where had she come from? Had she been here all the time, just waiting for me to find her? She looked confident and happy. She also looked sexy. That scared me a little.

I walked out of the bathroom to get Jillyan's reaction and she sat up, squealed and clapped her hands. "Bella, you look amazing. Tabi is totally going to fall in love with you."

I stared at her blankly. Why had she said Tabi? I'd never expressed a particular interest in any one member of Big Bang, only the group as a whole. It was Jillyan who'd identified Tabi as the mystery voice that had comforted me in my darkness. I'd never done anything to correct her assumption.

I smiled at Jillyan, "I want us to be friends–that's enough. You concentrate on getting Seungri to fall in love with you." Jillyan frowned, confused by my response, but I didn't know what else to say to her to explain that really, meeting them, being near them–that had been my only dream. Falling in love was never part of my plan. After all, I'd never dreamt or imagined we would be living in the same hotel suite with them. What was my dream now? Didn't I now have a new dream that didn't include Big Bang.

I grabbed the tiny handbag Jillyan had selected for me and transferred my identification, suite card and credit card from my usual bag. At the last minute I grabbed the lipstick and shoved it in. "Wow, Bella. You should wear makeup more often and fix your hair. It's so pretty pulled back like that. Wow. That dress looks like it was made for you. Maybe I should work out more so my legs would look that awesome."

I grabbed a jacket, the night was cool, but after the unsettling conversation with Jillyan, I really wanted to stay in for dinner. Unfortunately, it was too late to back out. Jillyan got up off the bed, linked arms with me and together we walked into the common area.

The guys were deep in discussion and didn't notice us until JiYong turned, spotted us and loudly whispered, "Wow." Jillyan held tight to my arm, expecting me to bolt, as the other guys turned to survey our appearance. Tabi's lips curled up a little at the corners and his eyes twinkled, but he said nothing.

"You look amazing, Bella. Where did you get your shoes?" Daesung asked.

"We should totally go shopping together." Jillyan said excitedly.

Taeyang just stood and smiled at us while Seungri got up from the couch to take possession of Jillyan's arm. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Tabi move to take my arm, but Daesung was closer. Taeyang took EunChae's arm (there was definitely something going on there) and as we left, Tabi and JiYong followed behind us, arm in arm.

SooJin had arranged for the hotel van to take us to the restaurant. He'd also called ahead and reserved a private room. We were a riotous noisy bunch at dinner, everyone talking at once. Taeyang and JiYong sat on the ends while on one side, Jillyan sat between Seungri and Tabi. On the other side, Eun Chae sat closest to Taeyang, then Daesung and then me closest to JiYong. Tabi was seated directly across the table from me and the way he looked at me sent shivers up my spine. I sat stiffly feeling awkward because I couldn't keep my eyes from colliding with his.

I was quiet at dinner but Jillyan was a thing to behold. She was funny, witty, informative and clearly having a good time. Big Bang had a lot of questions, most of which Jillyan happily answered. How old are you? Where are you from? Why did you decide to come to South Korea? Why do you like Big Bang? Who is your bias in Big Bang?

Jillyan answered this question for both of us to my chagrin. "Tabi is Bella's bias and Seungri is mine."

I silent screamed, "Liar." JiYong had always been her bias.

Tabi shot me an inquiring look, but I focused on eating my dinner and not looking at anyone. For a while I lost track of the conversation so focused on my own thoughts.

"Bella has this amazing studio on the sixth floor and she designs the most amazing outfits. She's even designed different items for each of you."

"I'd love to see your designs," JiYong said.

"I'm happy to show them to you sometime."

"Can you describe something?"

"Tabi's fans are always complaining about never seeing Tabi shirtless, so I designed a shirt that conceals more than it reveals but gives the impression of the opposite." I glanced at Tabi but he was looking down at his meal.

"What's the line called?" Daesung asked.

"Deception. I like making clothing that seems one way but is really another."

Both JiYong and Daesung were interested in hearing more about my designs for Big Bang, so we made plans to get together in a day or so to go shopping and to visit my studio. JiYong was very flirtatious with me over dinner. Tabi sulked, seemingly annoyed.

Jillyan was discussing our difficulty in getting into the music shows and Taeyang and Seungri said they might be able to help us with that since they knew people. I gave up trying to keep track of the conversation after that. I was so tired and the stress of sitting so close to JiYong and Tabi was making me irritable.

I stood. "Please excuse me." I walked into the ladies room and leaned wearily against the wall. I took several deep breaths, pushing each out out forcefully.

Jillyan came in to check on me. "Are you okay? I was worried about you. This isn't like you, Bella. Usually you're the star of every party. What's going on?"

I shook my head. "Tell them I'm not feeling well. I'm going back to the hotel."

"Okay but I hate for you to just leave. Do you want someone to go with you?"

"No. I just need to get away from everyone for a while."

"I don't undertand. You spent all afternoon in your room."

"I just want to lay on the patio and feel the breeze on my face. I'm not in the mood for a party. Sorry."

"Okay. I'll see you later at the suite."

"Bye."

After Jillyan left, I caught up with our waiter and arranged to pay the bill. While I was waiting for a receipt, JiYong came to stand beside me.

He flashed me a sad smile, "You really like Tabi?"

I avoided looking directly at him and replied, "I like Big Bang. Big Bang as a group. I can't … I just … can't …"

JiYong's expression brightened a little. The waiter gave me my receipt and I put it in my purse. As I turned to leave, JiYong took possession of my hand. I tried to pull it away but he held fast. He smiled down at me and I gave up. I was too tired to fight. At the van he relinquished my hand, made sure I was safely in, then climbed in beside me.

"You should go back to the party," I said.

He just smiled, fastened his seat belt and reclaimed my hand. I was in turmoil. _What was he trying to do? What did this mean? Did JiYong like me?_ That was too crazy and impossible to contemplate. I decided he was just worried about me feeling sick and wanted to make sure I was okay. I leaned my head against the door frame and looked out the window. It felt nice to have my hand held as we rode in silence back to the hotel.

I took my hand back from JiYong when we reached the suite. It was starting to feel just too weird. I quickly disappeared into my room and he left to go back to the party. I changed into jeans and a sweatshirt and washed my face. I examined my reflection in the mirror. I felt like I could sleep for a hundred years. Jillyan had announced to everyone at dinner that I liked Tabi. Tabi was always staring at me. JiYong had held my hand.

I needed a distraction. The solution eluded me until I suddenly remembered Daesung's reaction to Jillyan's declaration of my love for Tabi–he had snorted in laughter. He hadn't believed it. That was a good start. If I just start hanging out with Daesung and avoid JiYong and Tabi, maybe then it would be easier to be around everyone.

Satisfied with my tentative plan, I decided to finish the day on the patio sketching. I went down to my studio and grabbed a couple of sketchbooks, my journal and a colored pencil set.

It was nice and quiet on the patio but cool. I grabbed a comforter to pull over my legs, sat down on a double lounge, then spread the comforter out. "Plenty of room for all my stuff," I thought. I turned my music player on, put my earbuds in, turned the music up and happily vanished into a world of my creation.

Gradually I became aware that I was not alone.

Tabi was reclining beside me on the double lounge, under the comforter, with my extra sketchbook, journal and pencils on his lap. Lost in my own world, I'd somehow missed his arrival. I cautiously turned to look at him. He was leaning back in the lounge, arms crossed over his chest, with his eyes closed and a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. My abrupt shift in body language alerted him to my sudden awareness of him and he opened one eye to check on me.

Startled, I quickly returned my focus to the sketchbook feeling unnerved and uneasy. What should I do? Should I stay and pretend to go back to what I was doing? Pretend I hadn't noticed him lying so close I could move just a tiny bit and come in actual physical contact with him? Or collect my stuff and get up or just leave it and go?

I focused on my breathing. I took long steadying breaths. I picked up a pencil, turned to a blank page, and started writing. Pros and cons of staying. I wrote in cursive English so Tabi couldn't read it, at least I hoped he couldn't read it. I wrote messily and in large loopy letters.

Pros: Tabi is sitting next to me. It's a beautiful night and I'm having fun (or at least I was before I noticed him). Cons: Tabi is sitting next to me. I would have to touch him to gather my things.

Thinking of touching him wasn't helping. Making a stupid list wasn't helping.

I decided to use my pencil to knock my journal off his lap into the gap between us, grab it and go, leaving my extra sketchbook and colored pencils behind. I could retrieve those later.

When I reached out to grab the journal, Tabi grabbed my hand and without opening his eyes, growled "Stay." Frozen, I stared at him. When I didn't move or attempt to take my hand back, he opened his eyes, picked up my pencil case with his other hand and put it on the table beside him. He did the same with my journal and extra sketchbook. He turned to look at me. "Please, just stay … for a little while. Just close your eyes, lay back and relax." He reached his free hand toward me and I fought the urge to pull away. He removed the right earbud from my ear and put it in his. He interlaced and wound his fingers more securely around mine.

I was so startled that I couldn't even move. The turmoil I'd felt when JiYong had held my hand was nothing compared to what I was feeling now.

Tabi growled a little more softly, "Would you please relax? I'm not going to bite."

I put my sketchbook and pencil down on the table next to me, laid back on the lounge and tried to relax. I stared up at the sky. With the lights of the city, it was difficult to make out any stars. Still, I looked for them, imagined them, silently wished upon them. And then in my head I heard his voice on my music player and the world suddenly stood completely still. I rolled over a little to look at him, really look at him, and was surprised to see he had done the same, still holding tightly to my hand. Our knees were touching. My heartbeat stammered.

Tabi removed the earbud from my ear and from his and spoke so quietly I could barely hear him, "I like you."

My breath caught in my throat and I held it until I couldn't hold it anymore and then slowly let it out.

Tabi started singing softly. He was so amazingly handsome and perfect. We lay like this for what seemed like an eternity. He stopped singing and smiled and then I smiled and it felt like magic. He closed his eyes and sighed. I watched him sleep. I never wanted this moment to end. I longed to reach out and touch him to make sure he was real.

When we heard someone at the door to the suite, we both quietly rolled onto our backs. When Tabi quickly but carefully disengaged his hand from mine, it felt like a sharp stab to my heart. A tear slide down my cheek as Tabi leaned over me, carefully returned the earbuds to my ears, then looked deep into my eyes for a second.

In that moment I longed for him to kiss me. Instead he moved away then sat down on a lounge near me as the rest of the party returned from dinner. Then I remembered I hadn't said I liked him back.

As the crowd gradually migrated to join us on the patio, I felt too full. But when the full impact of what had just happened started to sink in, I felt scared. It was too perfect and too soon and I wasn't ready for anyone to like me or for me to like them.

I breathed easier when Daesung sat down next to me on the double lounge. He picked up my sketchbook and was flipping through pages when he saw my pros and cons list. I quickly grabbed the sketchbook away from him. I doubted he could read my messy, loopy cursive writing but I didn't want to take any chances. I ripped the page out and handed the sketchbook back to him.

He seemed to sense my mood and asked, "Would now be a good time to go to your studio?"

I nodded and we got up to leave. Daesung didn't talk on the way to my studio. He just shot me a couple of quizzical glances which I ignored. I sank down to the studio floor, pulled my knees to my chest, and then let out a big sigh.

Daesung studied the sketches on the walls. He squatted to look at a design near the floor and quietly spoke, "Clearly you never intended to like Tabi or JiYong, but you do and you seem unhappy. What can I do to help?"

Tears started leaking from my eyes. I tried to stop them. It was a wasted effort. Stupid tears.

Daesung smiled sadly. He took my hands, pulled me up from the floor and hugged me. I protested and tried to push him away but he just hugged me tighter. "Okay. I have a solution. You're going to pretend to like me. You're going to pretend to be my girlfriend."

Pressed against his warm chest, I laughed. Surely he was insane.

It wouldn't be difficult to pretend to like Daesung. He was so friendly and open and was always making me laugh. He pulled away from me a little and wiped the tears gently from my face. "Do you trust me?"

I nodded.

"Okay. For just a little while, pretend you like me. When the tour starts, you won't see them as much and it will get easier. I promise."

"Thank you." It wouldn't be easy to pretend to like Daesung while being so close to Tabi and JiYong but it would be easier than living with this torture.

Smiling, Daesung took my arm and together we left the studio. Daesung stopped outside the door to the suite. "Ready?"

I nodded. It felt weird to have yet another guy hold my hand on the same day, but this time it was nice and easy. No stressful feelings to get in the way.

Everyone was surprised when Daesung and I walked back into the suite holding hands and laughing. We said hello and then went straight to my room. Daesung stayed in my room for over an hour. We mostly just sat on the bed and talked and looked at sketches.

"Would it be okay to kiss you goodnight when I leave?"

"I have a reason not to want to be kissed yet."

He nodded. "A hug would be good for now."

When he left, I felt much lighter.

Jillyan came to my room with a ton of questions. "What's going on with you and Daesung?"

"We're dating."

"What?"

"We bonded over fashion and when he asked me to go out with him, I didn't see any reason not to say yes."

Jillyan was flabbergasted. "But I told everyone at dinner that you liked Tabi."

I felt bad about lying but I needed to keep my secrets a bit longer. "I like all of the members of Big Bang but Daesung asked me out first. What was I supposed to say? No, I want to wait until someone better asks? Daesung is nice and handsome, he has a great body and an amazing voice. Why not?"

Jillyan tried to argue with me but in the end had thrown up her hands in disgust and stomped out of my room.

"So far, so good," I thought. I hoped the rest of them would be as easy to convince.

***

Eventually everyone returned to their own rooms and I went to retrieve my sketchbooks, journal and pencils. I brought them back to my room and was going to write in my journal, when I stumbled across a note from Tabi.

"Bella, do you remember when we met at the music store and I took your hand to help you down from the table. When I held your hand then and when I held your hand tonight, it felt like magic. I like you so much. Please say you like me too. Please say it soon." He'd drawn a smiley face at the bottom and signed it Choi Seung-Hyun. My heart skipped a beat. What had I done?

Lying on my bed that night, I was certain I'd imagined it all. I was also certain I was losing my mind.


	9. The Unexpected Past

The pain in Tabi's eyes when he realized Daesung and I were really together made me feel horrible, but dating Daesung turned out to be the best decision I'd ever pretended to make. JiYong seemed unfazed. He acted the same as he always did toward me. Slowly things kind of settled down. We celebrated Taeyang's birthday in April and Daesung's birthday in May.

A few weeks before Big Bang's tour was to start, the representative came to see me again. "We'd like to throw a small launch party for Big Bang's tour. Would it be possible to use the suite for it?"

With everyone's agreement, we set a date.

***

The party was a bunch of industry people and a few other South Korean actors and musicians. It was so boring. I noticed about halfway through that Tabi was MIA so I went looking for him. He was in his room, lying on the bed, listening to music. I tried to drag him out but he wouldn't budge.

"We should play a prank on everyone. We'll stay in your room until someone realizes we're both missing. Then I'll run crying into the common area and accuse you of some horrible crime. We'll argue, I'll slap you and then I'll run to my room. You follow and then we come out after a few minutes and announce it had all been a prank. Just go along with what I do and react however you feel."

Tabi patted the bed beside him, handed me an earbud, and said, "It's a nice plan but no one will miss us."

We sat on opposite sides of the bed, as far as the earbuds could stretch. He'd been distant since the night Daesung and I'd come in together holding hands. I missed him. I wanted to tell him everything.

After an hour I was ready to concede defeat but then Seungri knocked on the door. "Have you seen Bella?"

I started working up a good cry–it wasn't difficult since I'd been crying so much lately. I ran out of the room, slammed the door and pushed past Seungri. Tabi ran out of the room after me. By the time he caught up to me, I was full on sobbing.

I yelled at him, "How could you? How? When you know how I feel about you. How could you do it."

Tabi just stared dumbly at me trying to think of something.

I cried and screamed, "How could you ruin all of my plans? You know I was planning to make JiYong fall in love with me and now it's all ruined. I hate you. I hate you so much." I slapped him. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw JiYong excitedly jump out of his chair and take a couple of steps toward me.

I turned to run to my room but Tabi caught my wrist and spun me around pulling me into his chest in one motion. He hugged me so tight it scared me. He released me a little and said quietly, "I have to change," then kissed me. It was a soft delicate kind of kiss, full of questions and longing.

I pushed against his chest and he meekly let me go. I turned to stumble to my room and then stopped dead in my tracks. Some dark memory was pushing its way into my consciousness.

Slowly, as if in a daze, I sleepwalked to my room, closed the door and locked it. I closed the patio doors and pulled down the blinds. I needed darkness to remember, but was I strong enough to face the memory?

***

Tabi stood frozen while he watched me walk away then turned to look at the crowd and said weakly, "It was supposed to be a prank."

Jillyan ran up to him, shook him and asked, "What the hell just happened? Was it the kiss that sent her to her room?"

Tabi asked, "Why would a kiss cause Bella to act that way?"

Jillyan exasperated practically yelled, "Because it was her first kiss, you idiot."

Everyone was stunned. Daesung asked, "Wait. She's twenty-two years old and American. How could it possibly be her first kiss?"

Jillyan just yelled Bella's name and started banging on her bedroom door.

Daesung quickly grasped the situation and started saying goodbye to the party guests and ushering them out the door. JiYong and Taeyang followed suit and before long the suite was empty except for Big Bang, Jillyan, EunChae and SooJin.

Jillyan, worried sick, paced in front of the door. Was Bella going to disappear into her room again? For how long this time? And what had caused the sudden reversion?

***

Jillyan gathered everyone on the couches and chairs. "I wasn't present for most of the events I'm about to relay. I heard some of it from my parents and some from Bella's friends.

"Bella was always really smart and excelled in school such that she was several grades ahead of her peers. Our parents were very protective of her. She was fourteen when she met Rick. He was seventeen. Our parents were very concerned about the relationship but Rick promised them that their first kiss would happen on their wedding day and they wouldn't get married until Bella graduated from college.

"Rick put Bella on a pedestal and treated her like a princess. Bella hadn't liked the idea of waiting to receive her first kiss, but she'd fallen under Rick's spell and, in time, she came to see it was best to wait. It seemed to everyone that Bella and Rick were a perfect couple.

"A month before their wedding, they had rented an apartment and were furnishing it in anticipation of their upcoming nuptials. Bella stopped by their apartment one day to drop off several blankets and pillows they'd received as wedding gifts. She discovered Rick in bed with her best friend, Julie. She soon learned they'd been having an affair the entire time Bella and Rick had been dating. She was devastated. She quietly returned all the gifts, wrote notes to everyone letting them know the wedding was cancelled, and cancelled all the arrangements. Both sets of parents were very upset by the situation but waited and followed her lead.

"On a whim on her wedding day, Bella purchased a lottery ticket. She said her luck was so bad she couldn't possibly win. Rick and Julie left to go on the honeymoon. All through this Bella seemed to be doing fine, and then she won the lottery. I don't know the exact amount but it was a ton of money. Suddenly, Bella was the most popular girl in town. She hired a lawyer and a financial manager and started making plans for an even brighter future.

"A few weeks later, Rick heard about the winning lottery ticket. He dumped Julie and started trying to worm his way back in with Bella. When she told him she would never get back together with him, he started harassing her. He thought that somehow part of that money should be his even though they were broken up when she purchased the ticket. He started stalking her and was becoming erratic. He quit his job and lost the apartment. His parents were so disgusted with him they refused to let him come back home to live. He started to escalate.

"Bella was still living at home with our parents. She'd gotten a restraining order against Rick. One night, he showed up on our porch with a gun threatening to kill Bella if she didn't give him the money. The neighbors called the police and the swat team came. He was talking crazily and waving the gun around. My father tried to get Bella to go back into the house but she told him to get inside, she didn't want him to get hurt.

"Bella offered to give Rick all the money if he would just put the gun down. Rick demanded that Bella agree to take him back and marry him but she refused. Rick put the gun to his head and yelled, "This is all your fault. I'm going to kill myself and my blood will be on your hands." A few seconds later the gun went off spraying Bella with blood and brains. It was horrific.

"Bella held it together all through the interviews and investigation, and long enough to get through the funeral. Then one day she started buying blankets and pillows and taking them to her room. This went on for a few weeks. One day she stopped coming out of her room. She'd created a sea of blankets and pillows in which to drown herself. She covered the windows and eliminated all light coming into the room. She stopped talking, she stopped eating, she stopped sleeping. She just stopped.

"I came home from college to find her a mess. She'd hardly eat when I'd bring her food. It was like all the life and light had gone out of her. I thought I'd never see my sister again and then one night I accidentally left my music player in her room and for the first time, I saw signs of life. A voice had pulled Bella from the depths of despair. Bella talked about the pain she felt in that voice and how it made her own pain so much easier to bear."

Jillyan looked at Tabi and whispered, "I think it was your voice Bella heard but truthfully, she never really said." She smiled, "One day, Bella told me about an enormously crazy idea she had and that's how we really ended up in South Korea planning to follow Big Bang on tour."

Jillyan looked around. Everyone sat perfectly still, but almost everyone had tears running down their cheeks. They sat without moving for a long time, lost in their own thoughts. Jillyan smiled through her own tears and knew that coming to South Korea had been the right decision. If they had to fight to get Bella back, she was glad to have these people, this family, on her side.


	10. Memories

"I have to change." Rick had said those words seconds before his death. I pulled up the memory and tried to slow it down. After a while I could move it forward and backwards, frame by frame. I watched it over and over, trying to figure out what bugged me about those words and then I saw it. The shock of it sent cold chills cascading through my body. Who says "I have to change" then kills themself?

"I have to change." Rick had taken his finger off the trigger as he said those words and the barrel of the gun had dropped a couple of centimeters. Then I saw a flash to my right. I stopped everything and in my mind, turned to look to the right. There were too snowball bushes, big enough to conceal a person. But who had fired that shot? Rick hadn't committed suicide; he hadn't fired his gun. He'd been murdered. This revelation rocked me to my core. I glanced at the clock, quickly calculated the time difference and picked up my cell phone.

***

When I walked into the kitchen hours later, everyone was still seated in the common area. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and turned to see them all staring at me.

Suddenly I remembered the prank. "Oh Tabi, I'm so sorry. I totally forgot."

Jillyan walked toward me, "Are you okay?"

I nodded my head and hugged her. "I'm so sorry. You must have been worried." I looked around and then looked back at Jillyan, "You told them." It was a statement, not an accusation.

Jillyan nodded.

I felt a wave of relief. "I'm sorry. When Tabi said the words 'I have to change,' it awakened a memory. I don't think Rick killed himself. I think he was murdered. I called the sheriff's office. They're reopening the investigation and checking the ballistics. They'll call if anything new comes up."

Everyone was sitting with mouths agape except Tabi. He walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder, "It's okay about the prank. Are you sure you're okay."

I smiled up at him and nodded my head. "Yeah, but I'm exhausted."

***

Alone in my room later that night, I pulled out my cell phone. I'd never dialed the number I'd found in the cd, but I thought tonight might be a good time to see if it was really his. I listened to the phone ringing and thought about what I wanted to say. He answered the phone.

"Hi, it's Bella."

He was quiet.

"I'm sorry about the prank."

"I told you, it's okay."

"About the kiss …" I bit my lower lip. "I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready to be kissed."

I could sense him smiling and he said simply, "I wasn't ready for it either."

I took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. "Tabi?"

"Yeah?"

"When I am ready to be kissed … I'd like it to be you."

"I'd like that too."

"It was a really good kiss. … I uh I liked it."

Tabi chuckled and in an almost whisper replied, "I liked it too."

We sat for a few minutes longer not wanting to break the connection. Was that really all I wanted to say to him? Wasn't there something else?

"Goodnight." I hung up. That was all I could give him right now.

I felt good, really alive. I was uncertain about the future. I hoped Tabi would be a part of it but only time would tell. I was still technically dating Daesung though so things were getting a little complicated.


	11. Settling In

Over the next couple of weeks, we fell into a pattern as Big Bang's schedule slowly changed in preparation for tour. Often they would get up at one or two in the afternoon and go to bed at five or six in the morning.

In the early hours of the morning, after everyone went to bed, I would retreat to the patio to sketch or write and Tabi would join me. Sometimes he would just sit beside me and sleep. Sometimes he would work on songs or raps, scribbling away while I happily watched him. Sometimes he would hold my hand and even though I always objected, he would just hold onto it tighter until I gave up. It soon became my favorite part of the day but I knew once the tour started, this would end. So even though I was always deliriously happy when he was beside me, I was also sad that soon he would be gone.

I walked a delicate tightrope. Some days I felt like jumping off. Other days I knew I would fall. And like humpty dumpty, no one would be able to put me back together again. Not even Jillyan would be able to do it this time.

The offer on the house was accepted and we were working through the red tape to close. SooJin and I sneaked off every once in a while to talk excitedly about our plans. I liked having a secret I shared with just SooJin. Our relationship has settled into brother and sister and it was fun hanging out with him. He wanted to call the estate Heaven. I loved it.

***

I decided to make pancakes for breakfast. The strawberries were cut and in the fridge and the bacon and sausage links were cooked and in the warmer. I just needed to mix the pancake batter and whip up some fresh whipped cream.

Tabi stumbled sleepily into the kitchen. "Can I help?" he asked as he rubbed his eyes.

"Can you handle the whipped cream?"

"Okay."

When he started the mixer, he accidentally lifted the beaters out of the mixture and cream splattered everywhere. Tabi was covered in cream. The kitchen was covered in cream. Even I was covered in cream. I laughed so hard tears ran down my cheeks. He came over to me and scraped off some of the cream from his face and smeared it on my cheek. Laughing hysterically, I scraped cream off of his face and tasted it.

"Yum; sweet and salty." We were standing face to face laughing and smearing cream on each other when Daesung joined us into the kitchen.

Suddenly everything felt awkward. Daesung took the mixer out of Tabi's hand and proceeded to clean up the mess. He threw Tabi a towel. "Go get cleaned up." He grabbed another towel and threw it to me. As Tabi walked out of the kitchen, I grimaced at an uncomfortable ache in the pit of my stomach.

Daesung turned on me. "What do you think you're doing? You can't be like that with him. You're my girlfriend, remember? How can you think this is safe for you?"

I dropped my head, refusing to meet his eyes. I knew he was right. I was treading on dangerous ground. Sobered by the truth of his words, I went back to making pancakes while he prepared the whipped cream. By the time I had enough pancakes in the warmer to feed an army, the army arrived. We sat at the dining table. I was the last to load up a plate and sit down.

Daesung had saved me a place next to him and was motioning for me to join him. There was also an empty place next to Tabi. I wavered between my need for safety and my longing to follow my heart for a second before finally coming to rest beside Daesung.

Daesung hugged me and kissed my forehead. "Thanks for making breakfast. It smells and looks great."

Everyone quickly joined in on the thanks except Tabi who was sulking.

"I'll be leaving tomorrow afternoon to do some promotions. I'll be gone for a couple of days. Will you be okay without me?" Daesung said loud enough for everyone to hear.

"I'll miss you."

Daesung smiled happily while I tried not to look at anyone else and purposefully kept my expression blank. When he'd finished eating, he kissed me on the forehead again. "I need to pack." I stared at his back as he walked to the door of the suite. He turned back, smiled, then blew me a kiss.

Tabi and JiYong were still eating. Tabi stared at me with a hurt expression on his face. JiYong was giving his food way more attention than it required. I tried not to look at either of them and instead focused on the difficult task of swallowing each bite.

JiYong cleared his voice then quietly asked, "Bella, what are your plans for tomorrow?"

I glanced up at him. "I don't have any definite plans."

"Will you go somewhere with me?"

I shrugged. "Okay. I guess." Aware of my dating Daesung, I assumed it was just something he wanted to do as friends. I finished my breakfast, left the table and went to clean up the kitchen.

I spent the rest of my day in my studio.

***

Daesung came to see me later that evening. "I'm sorry for being so forceful in the kitchen."

I hugged him. "Am I making a mistake pretending to be your girlfriend?"

Daesung was quiet as he hugged me back. He whispered in my ear, "How long do we have to keep pretending?"

I thought he meant how long before we could tell everyone it was pretend. Before I could respond, he continued on in a melancholy voice, "I really like you, Bella. I really like being your boyfriend. When I come back, can we talk about making it real?"

I swallowed hard. Had I missed something? Had Daesung liked me all along and I just didn't notice? And how could he ask me that? I pulled away and stared up into his eyes. He was a good man, a better man that I deserved, with a heart of gold. But I didn't feel that way about him. I cried, "Oh Daesung. You're a good friend and I … you know I can't"

Daesung nodded his head but looked miserable. He dropped his arms from around me and slowly walked to the door of my studio. My heart was crying out but my mouth refused to speak the words that would make this all better. It would be a lie. I felt the tightrope shudder underneath my feet.

Daesung stopped at the door and turned to look at me. "Why Tabi?"

"When he holds my hand, it feels like magic. It feels like I'm finally home."

Daesung smiled sadly and walked out of the studio. I sank down to the floor. I was done. There was nothing left in me and I was falling without a net. Deep gut wrenching sobs came spilling out of me wave after wave. Like a tidal wave, sorrow drowned me. I had lost so much already. How much more was there to be lost?

Finally, exhausted, I fell into a deep, dark, troubled sleep.


	12. fearless

The ringing of my cell phone woke me. JiYong was looking for me. We had plans that day. I got up and tried to make myself look presentable then headed to the suite. I wondered briefly when and how JiYong had gotten my cell phone number but guessed Jillyan was the likely source.

I walked through the deserted common to my room then showered and dressed in jeans and a tee.

JiYong was waiting for me on the patio when I came out of my room. He stared for a moment then smiled shyly.

"Am I dressed okay for we're going?"

He looked me over carefully. "You should grab a light jacket and a baseball cap if you have one. Oh and a bathing suit and change of clothes."

I wondered where we were going as I grabbed a pink hoodie and my shock pink ball cap. I packed a small bag with my bathing suit, beach towel and flip-flops, sunscreen, lotion and makeup, and a change of clothes.

I hadn't given it much thought but I guess I assumed JiYong had a car and would be driving. I was surprised that a van was waiting for us at the back of the hotel along with a security detail. I glanced questioningly at JiYong. He smiled playfully and mysteriously. I hated him but in an "OMG he's so cute but oh so annoying" way. I gave him a look which I hoped conveyed that exact sentiment then climbed in the van.

We sat in the back close to each other but not touching. It was difficult to talk to him with so many strange men in the van. I felt very uncomfortable but JiYong seemed to know everyone and was very relaxed. This annoyed me even more. Jiyong talked about the challenges of being an international music star and how it made things difficult when it came to dating. I briefly panicked that JiYong thought we were on a date then quickly dismissed the idea. As far as he knew, I was dating Daesung–well, at least until Daesung came back. Unless. Had Daesung already told him?

We arrived at an amusement park–how cool. "Won't everyone notice you and run screaming in your direction?"

JiYong smiled. "The park is closed today. The owner is a friend. He opened it just for us."

"Wow. I guess being an international rock star has its perks."

The security team kept a respectful distance which meant I could relax. JiYong was fearless. We rode nearly every ride, played every game and ate so much I thought surely we'd throw up or burst or both. JiYong was great at the games and soon the security detail was loaded down with all sorts of stuffed animals and prizes. We laughed so much my cheeks ached. We went on a raft ride and got soaked and then got soaked again at the water park. We were having so much fun playing, challenging and teasing each other that we hardly noticed when the sun went down.

It nearly time to go when JiYong reminded me we had one last ride to go on. I'd been putting this ride off all day with excuse after excuse. It was the ride that terrified me the most and I knew there was no way I could talk him into skipping it. I'm not exactly sure why I hated the Ferris wheel so much. Maybe because I always felt so unprotected on them. I'd heard about accidents, which really I shouldn't think about when contemplating riding one.

JiYong settled in the car and motioned for me to join him. Reluctantly I sat down beside him. The door was closed and latched. JiYong was relaxed and at ease. He smiled at me as the car lifted car higher and higher. I shivered and closed my hands tightly around the safety bar. He thought I'd been joking but when he realized my fear was genuine, he tried to get me to relax. He pulled me closer to him and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. Well, that certainly wasn't going to work if his intent was to help me relax.

It felt strange to be sitting so close to him. JiYong was pointing out landmarks all around us and the city was so beautiful at night but I didn't loosen my grasp on the safety bar one bit. He gazed at me then smiled and I instantly realized how amazingly beautiful he was–he had the face of an angel. He hugged me tighter to him then returned to pointing out the sites. I started to breathe a little easier. Surprisingly I felt safe sitting close to him, even on this death trap of a ride.

The night had turned a little cold and the heat radiating off his body was giving me chills. He sensed me relaxing into him, felt me shiver and looked down at me. He lowered his face close to mine. I thought he was going to kiss me. I overreacted and pushed myself away, causing the car to rock like crazy. I screamed a little and grabbed tighter onto the side of the car and the safety bar.

Jiyong chuckled. I turned back to glare at him. He sighed and motioned for me to come back. He took off his jacket and wrapped it around me, then pulled me close again and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. He leaned over and spoke soft and low in my ear, "I wasn't going to kiss you. I know you're not ready for that. I just wanted to tell you that I like you. I like being with you. I've had a great time today." He paused, as if trying to decide how much to say then continued, "I know you're not dating Daesung. He told me everything."

Embarassed, I pushed my face into his chest. I didn't know what to say. He didn't push it or try to get me to talk. He just went back to talking about the city, his favorite parts of the day, and about the upcoming tour. I leaned into him, wound my arm around his waist and closed my eyes. I imagined that we were on some cloud, floating. The world and all its complications disappeared for a while.

When the ride ended, I realized I actually liked the Ferris wheel. It would always remind me of JiYong and this day. As we headed out to the car, JiYong keeping his arm securely around my shoulders. The security detail had split up into two cars because of all the stuff JiYong had won. JiYong picked out a white teddy bear holding a red heart that said "Luv U 4 Eva," and pushed it into my hands. "Something to keep as a souvenir of our day together."

The bear was soft but it felt weird to accept it. "No, Jiyong. You won it. Besides, I've taken a million pictures. I'll never forget today."

Jiyong took the bear from my hands, kissed it and made it kiss me. He handed it back then leaned over and ghosted his lips across my cheek. He stepped back then grinned. "I want you to have it."

How could I resist? He was so amazingly sweet.

The van was filled with stuffed animals so only a driver was to accompany us back to the hotel. Although I felt more comfortable, both JiYong and I were too exhausted to talk. I put the teddy bear on my lap, relaxed back in my seat then closed my eyes. Next thing I knew, JiYong was lying with his head on my lap, using the teddy bear as a pillow. I knew I should protest but I liked it.

After a few minutes, he said, "That's feels really good."

I opened my eyes to stare at him and realized I'd been absentmindedly playing with his hair. I blushed, closed my eyes, scrunched up my face. "Oh I'm so sorry." JiYong grabbed my hand, interlaced his fingers with mine then laid our hands on his heart. He closed his eyes and sighed. I refused to think beyond this moment.

It was late when we got back to the hotel. JiYong gave me a hug, kissed my forehead and went to his room. I was glad to finally be alone to gather my thoughts. I grabbed a blanket and lay on one of the lounges. I didn't realize at first I was waiting for him but slowly it dawned on me that he wasn't coming. That he would likely never come again.

So this is what it feels like. I closed my eyes and let it overtake me, all the feelings from the past few days flooded in. Tabi, Daesung, JiYong. I let it wash over me and just floated in it all then I let it go. I sensed rather than heard when Tabi entered the suite. He went straight to his room.

The tightrope failed and I had fallen. I was still alive, still in one piece. I would be okay.


	13. Homecoming

After that day I changed my routine. I no longer had the safety of a fake relationship to hide behind and I knew Tabi would no longer be coming to the patio at the end of every day. Something about spending the day with JiYong had caused a rift in whatever it was I thought Tabi and I shared. I really just wanted to avoid seeing anyone. Jillyan tried to get me to talk about it but I just couldn't.

JiYong asked me from time to time to go other places with him; to the studio, to his management office, to meet his friends. He always introduced me as a friend, not a girlfriend, and made sure everyone treated me with respect. He told me he wanted me to be a part of his life. It was a stark contrast to Tabi, who only seemed to want to spend time with me on the patio after everyone had gone to bed.

JiYong never pressured me to say I liked him although he told me often that he liked me. He also never tried to kiss me on the lips, though he would often kiss my forehead or my cheek. When he was near me, he always kept some part of his body touching me, even if it was just our knees meeting under the table, or his hand on my arm or the small of my back. It was easy being with JiYong. His life was interesting.

In preparation for closing on Heaven, SooJin and I went to see a lawyer and created an ownership structure that would protect both of us. We were joint owners of the corporation and would be joint owners of Heaven as well. SooJin would have power of attorney to make decisions, access funds, take care of needed repairs and maintenance.

I set up a joint account with SooJin with more than sufficient funds to pay for insurance, taxes, future repairs, etc., for the property for the rest of our lives. I wanted to know that if I was someday forced to leave South Korea or died, the property would stay with his family. I wanted to pay SooJin a salary so we discussed what kinds of responsibilities he should have, how much time he should devote to them, and making sure the responsibilities would not interfere with school. We also discussed the timing of his resignation from the hotel. I wanted him to stay as long as Big Bang was at the hotel.

"Take care of us a bit longer," I begged.

***

Soojin and I had a few matters to take care of before the closing. Some surprises for him and his family that I would need his help to pull off. He was excited about surprising his family with their new home.

We stopped for lunch on our way to our first errand. SooJin was in a good mood and soon he had me in a good mood too. We'd talked about everything that had happened with Tabi, JiYong and Daesung. SooJin had been a good shoulder to cry on and an even better distraction.

Today I could tell there was something important he wanted to discuss. I asked him flat out, "What is it? What do you have to say to me?"

SooJin was used to my bluntness so he answered honestly, "Marry me."

I stared at him then laughed. "You're kidding."

SooJin's expression remained sober and slowly my smile faded. "Bella, listen. You like me. I like you. We get along great and we're a great team. My family loves you. Plus, you're doing all this amazing stuff for us. You're a mess when it comes to Tabi and JiYong. Simplify your life, lose the drama, and marry me."

I stared openmouthed at SooJin as it slowly sunk in that he was serious. Dead serious. He'd even brought a ring which he placed on the table. "SooJin. I don't know what to say. Thank you for being so good to me but-"

"I understand." He shrugged and tucked the ring in his pocket.

Daesung had once offered to help me "lose the drama" and it had resulted in even more drama and hurt feelings. Marrying SooJin, no matter how attractive an offer it might be, was not a solution.

We finished lunch and headed to our next destination. SooJin quickly returned to his happy self but I couldn't help thinking how lucky I'd been to meet him; to have him in my life now and to know his steadying influence would continue to be present in my future.

***

The day we closed on the house was bright and sunny. We'd made plans to meet SooJin's mother and sister for lunch. The closing was a quick and business-like affair and before either SooJin or I were really prepared for the reality, we were the proud owners of Heaven.

We managed to make it through the entire closing with our professional demeanors intact, but once outside the title agency's office, we jumped up and down, screamed with joy and hugged.

We had some time before lunch so we went to Heaven and while SooJin walked the land, I sat on the patio in my bedroom and stared at the landscape without seeing it. My future was here in this house. I would fall in love, get married, have children and grow old. I would build a fashion empire. I would be happy.

I curled up in a ball on the floor where I imagined my bed would be and fell asleep. I dreamt a magnificent dream of my life in this house.

SooJin gently woke me. It was time to go. I double checked that we had all the keys, access cards and security information we would need when we returned. We were both bursting with excitement when we picked up his mother and sister. I wondered which one of us would break first.

We'd arranged to have a local restaurant cater lunch at the house and they arrived just as we did. SooJin and I had overlooked the fact that there was no furniture in the house, so we had a picnic on the patio.

When everyone finished eating, SooJin opened a bottle of champagne, poured four glasses then stood to make a toast. "To Bella, for all the amazing things she's brought into my life and to the Han and Roberts families. May we long live in peace together in Heaven."

He and I sipped our champagne while his mother and sister stared inquisitively at us. I left the details to SooJin who was walking them over to the caretaker's house talking excitedly. I'd left my last secret sitting on the kitchen counter in the caretaker's office. Scholarships for SooJin and EunChae.

I wandered around Heaven while I waited and stumbled across the chapel. It was ancient and beautiful but very run down. I walked inside and sat in one of the more sound pews. I imagined what SooJin must be saying to his family now and their reactions. I thanked God for all the blessings that had come out of something so horrible. I'd stopped talking to God after Rick's death. I wasn't sure I was ready to start believing in God again but it felt right sitting in this chapel to be thankful. I made a mental note to talk to SooJin about getting the chapel restored. It was a little piece of heaven.

I heard them before they arrived and stood up to greet them. EunChae burst into the chapel and threw her arms around me, crying and thanking me profusely. Mrs. Han was much more reserved but she too gave me a hug and thanked me.

SooJin came in last and he looked like an angel–so beautiful in the filtered light streaming through the chapel windows. For one brief instant, I thought maybe I'd been foolish to refuse his proposal but then he became human again and hugged me. They were all talking at the same time and it was so amazing to see them so happy.

EunChae asked, "When can we move in?"

"You are welcome to move into the big house while we work on getting the caretaker's house ready. I'm sure you will want to paint and decorate first." I described my bedroom. "Any other room is fair game."

SooJin and I accompanied them to the garage attached to the caretaker's house. Although I'd offered to purchase brand new vehicles, SooJin had insisted on used cars for his sister and mother. A small two year old economy car for EunChae and a three year old sedan for his mother. For himself, he chosen a brand new SUV which was parked in the garage attached to the main house. He'd promised to drive me wherever I wanted to go. Parked next to Soojin's was a smaller, economical SUV I'd bought for myself.

"Can we go home, get our stuff and move in tonight?"

"I have one last person to tell about the house but please, make yourself at home."

SooJin asked, "Do you want me to go with you?"

I smiled. "You have plenty of work to do this evening. I'll be fine."

***

I reached the suite about 5:00 p.m. Everyone was eating breakfast. Jillyan squealed, ran to me and pulled me into a bear hug. We hadn't seen each other in a week or so.

"Can I have a word with you in private?" I asked.

"I’m starving.  Can't you just tell me?" She sat back down at the table.

I'd not intended to announce this to everyone so it came out rather abruptly. "I bought a house." I smiled and tried to look excited but everyone was staring incredulously at me, including Tabi and JiYong. I continued, "It's an estate really and we're calling it Heaven. It has tons of property. We closed on it today and SooJin and his family are moving in tonight. They're going to live in the caretaker's house."

When no on reacted, my smile melted as my discomfort grew. "So, yeah. The main house is huge and there's a chapel and tons of trees, flowers, ballroom, pool … and my bedroom has this fantastic patio, and the kitchen is enormous, and …" I realized I was rambling so I stopped and waited for Jillyan's reaction.

She stared at me wide-eyed and openmouthed.

"Well, anyway. I'm going to grab some clothes and head back tonight. Do you want to come with me to see the house?"

Dead silence.

I stalked to my bedroom, grabbed a sketchbook and started making a list of what I would need. I'd not planned on spending the night at the house but it suddenly occurred to me that I couldn't stay here. My home wasn't here any longer. I couldn't look at Tabi or JiYong or any of them any longer. I was so tired of Big Bang. The dream that had started this journey was dead. I had a new dream now.

Jillyan stormed into my bedroom and stood, arms crossed, all attitude at the door, and demanded, "When were you planning to tell me?"

"I planned to ask you nicely to go somewhere with me but since you wouldn't give me a moment to talk with you privately, it just came out wrong."

Jillyan's next question startled me, "What about Tabi?"

I retorted angrily, "What about Tabi? What does he have to do with me buying a house?"

Jillyan spoke raggedly, "He loves you, Bella. He misses you so much. It's so hard on the rest of us to see him like this. And now you're just going to leave him, disappear into some random house and forget about him? And what about JiYong? Are you dating him or something? Did he know about this? What about me?"

I took a deep breath, stood up then tromped out of my room, Jillyan on my heels. They were all still sitting in the exact same place.

I walked to the table and clapped my hands to get their attention. "Hi, how are you? Yeah, so hey, I bought a house. I'd love to have you come over and see the house and get your thoughts, approval, and feedback." I pulled six envelopes with names on them containing security cards and keys out of my bag and threw them on the table. "You are the most important people on the planet to me. You are closer to me than family. Do you really think I'd buy a house and desert you? I had to keep it a secret. We wanted to surprise SooJin's family and I wanted to surprise you, too."

I looked directly at Tabi when I said those last six words and then looked away. "I haven't seen you in a while, I don't know what your schedule is, but there is a van downstairs waiting to take you to see Heaven if you want to go. I'm leaving in twenty minutes. If you're ready, great. If you're not, I'm sorry, let's do it some other time. My cellphone number is in the envelopes, call me."

Furious, I stomped back to my bedroom and started throwing random stuff in a suitcase. I was so close to tears but refused to cry. I sat down on the bed and just screamed inwardly. Slowly my anger cooled. I decided if no one would come with me to see the house, I would take my time, pack everything up and leave for good tonight.

Twenty minutes later I was feeling much calmer. I walked out of my room and gasped. All of them stood waiting, dressed and ready to go. Tears slowly escaped and snaked down my cheeks. Jillyan hugged me.

"I'm so sorry. I can't wait to see the house. It sounds amazing." We walked arm in arm to the hotel lobby to the van.

I sat in the second seat with Jillyan. Tabi sat in the front with the driver. Everyone else filed into the van. As we drove to the house, Jillyan asked questions about the house and I chattered on about every little thing. I tried not to stare at the back of Tabi's head. I could tell he was listening and I hated that I cared. Jillyan's words had lodged in my brain and wouldn't go away. He missed me.

The sun was still shining when we arrived at the house and unloaded from the van. I made sure everyone checked that their key and security cards worked. I wanted them to know they could come to visit, stay or live anytime they wanted. I wanted Heaven to be a sanctuary for them too.

SooJin met us at the front door and he and his sister offered to show everyone around the house. I climbed the stairs to my room, closed the door and sat on the corner of the patio, legs folded against my chest, chin on my knees, mostly hidden behind a French door. I loved how the sun played on the walls of my bedroom. I thought, "This is the most amazing place in the whole entire world."

In the hall, EunChae was telling them that this was Bella's room. I heard the door handle jiggle and glanced up to see Tabi entering my room then closing the door quietly behind him. I wasn't sure he could see me in my hiding space. He glanced around the room, explored the bathroom and dressing room then examined the fireplace.

I pulled my knees up a little tighter and waited for him to discover me. He sat down on the floor where I'd envisioned my bed and stretched out on the floor, knees raised. _What was he doing?_

His voice when he spoke startled me, "I wish we could go back to sitting on the patio holding hands …. I wish … Bella, I miss you so much." He sat up and stared straight into my eyes.

I followed his progress as he stood and walked slowly over to where I was hiding. He sat down on the patio, folded his legs into his chest and sat close to me with our legs touching.

I closed my eyes. It was too much. He gently touched my face, pushed my hair behind my ear, lifted my head with his fingers underneath my chin, then he rubbed his thumb gently over my lips. He took a big breath and sighed, "When will you be ready, Bella."

I opened my eyes then to look at him. He took my hand, held my palm to his lips and then kissed it. A little moan escaped from my throat. He laid his chin down on his knees. I did the same and we sat facing each other with our faces close. I closed my eyes.

"Can we stay this way forever?" he asked. A smile whispered across my lips.

I opened my eyes at the sound of my bedroom door opening. Tabi didn't move. He stayed with his legs pressed against mine, holding my hand and caressing my lips. I thought about that time on the patio when at the sound of someone coming, he'd pulled away. _Why doesn't he pull away now?_

SooJin poked his head in, "The van's leaving in a few minutes."

Tabi nodded but didn't move. I nodded and SooJin left the room, closing the door tightly behind him. In the house below, someone called my and Tabi's names. Slowly I turned back to Tabi. He smiled apologetically then returned my hand to me. Ever so slowly he backed away then stood up. He leaned over and kissed me on the forehead.

As he walked away, I wanted to stop him. I wanted to yell, "Stay" just as he'd done that night on the patio. I wanted to tell him I was ready now. Instead, I watched him leave.

A few minutes after he had gone, I pressed my palm to my lips and closed my eyes. _What was wrong with me?_ I loved him. I wanted him. But I kept letting him leave me. How much longer would he wait? How much longer before he simply didn't come back. The tour popped into my head and I sighed.

***

The next morning I went back to the suite and packed my belongings. SooJin helped me pack up the studio. I stood alone on the suite patio for a long time saying goodbye.

***

I accompanied Mrs. Han and EunChae out to choose and order furniture and furnishings for the house. We had a great time and I also got some great ideas for decorating my house.

Mrs. Han pulled me to aside. "Please reconsider SooJin's marriage proposal. You will learn to love him."

"I'm a fool for not accepting SooJin's proposal but I'm in love with someone else." It wasn't hard to convince her. I really did love someone else.

***

We held a painting party the next weekend. Jillyan came but Big Bang was too busy with concert preparations. SooJin and EunChae invited friends from school so we had a nice crowd. We divided into teams. One to scour the floors and walls and perform spring cleaning, another to remove wall paper and prep walls for painting, and another to restore order to the garden.

Jillyan was flirting with some of the cute college boys. I guessed without Seungri nearby, she felt a little freer to flirt. News traveled fast that Jillyan and I were friends of Big Bang and we promised to invite them to a house warming party as long as everyone agreed to be respectful of them. Someone came up with the idea to build a stage for the housewarming and have everyone come up with musical acts and parodies.

Jillyan winked at me conspiratorially. We already had a good idea for an act. She'd forgiven me for not telling her about the house, but not for the pain I was causing Tabi.

"I'll check with Jiyong and see if they have a hole in their schedule. By the way, did anything happen between you and Tabi?"

"No, why?"

"Just before we left to return to the hotel, Tabi ran out to the patio and looked up at your room. He seemed a little lighter after that."

_Had he seen me bring the palm he'd kissed to my lips?_


	14. Warming the House

I started to feel more comfortable in my skin. I'd always been comfortable wearing shorts and tanks and bathing suits around guys but I'd always felt very uncomfortable wearing sexy clothes or trying to act sexy or even thinking about myself as sexy. However, lately, I'd been designing and making some very risqué outfits. I enjoyed being able to walk around my empty house in a skimpy outfit and was developing a newfound appreciation for stiletto heels.

I felt so giddy sometimes. I was certain Tabi was the reason. He was nowhere to be found in my life right now but the memory of that day in my room was slowly driving me insane.

***

I was working with a decorator and there was no sense ordering furniture until the designs were completed. Except for my bed and dishes, the house was empty.

For the party, we rented chairs and tables, and also lounges for the guests to sit on during the variety show. I ordered a ton of comforters and pillows to be placed in all the rooms in case guests needed to spend the night. When the comforters arrived, it reminded me of the sea of blankets I'd once created in which to drown myself. It seemed funny now.

A local carpenter had built an amazing stage with excellent lighting and sound system, working curtains and everything. I was thinking after the housewarming, we might have to build a small theatre somewhere in Heaven.

***

The day of the party was a whirlwind of activity. It was fun to think of all the parties I was looking forward to throwing at the house. Holidays, birthdays, graduations, maybe even a wedding. It felt like I was running a liquor store when the beer and wine order arrived. We'd hired caterers to handle the food preparation, serving and clean up. SooJin was a general organizing his troops.

EunChae, Jillyan and I dressed in baby blue sundresses and sandals to make it easier for partygoers to identify and locate their hosts in case of any questions. Mrs. Han and SooJin also dressed in baby blue.

The party was scheduled to start around five with dinner at six-ish. The variety show would start at seven with an hour intermission at nine. I thought the lineup for the variety show was especially amusing; almost ten parodies of Big Bang, including two in which Jillyan and I were performing. Taeyang had helped us record the vocals and music for our act.

The guests began promptly arriving at five. SooJin kept a handle on everything while EunChae, Jillyan and I directed guests to food, beverage and stage areas. Mrs. Han led tours of the property. Big Bang didn't arrive until almost 6:30 p.m. I was grateful that everyone was acting cool and not pestering them.

I had taken on the role of MC for the variety show so I went to the stage early to get ready. As MC, I wore an electric blue strapless evening dress. A crew had been hired to run the lights and sound and also set up cameras to film the show. We would later cut a final version and hand dvds out to those that wanted them.

We scheduled family friendly acts for the first part of the show. The intermission at nine p.m. would allow families with young children to say their goodbyes. The show would resume at ten p.m. with more racy acts. Jillyan and I were scheduled for the latter part of the program.

As MC it was easy to avoid Tabi. I was sure he would take one look at me and know what I was feeling. I didn't know what would happen then. I wasn't sure what I wanted to happen. But I knew I wanted something to happen.

Just before seven, guests began migrating to the stage. We'd reserved the front row for Big Bang. I glanced at the audience from backstage, Tabi had sat toward the left side. Beside him sat Daesung, Seungri, Jillyan, EunChae, Taeyang with JiYong on the right side of the stage. Other people had filled in the ends of the row. I secretly hopeful Big Bang would leave at intermission.

The first half of the program was filled with tons of funny acts, made funnier by the alcohol flowing freely. It was gratifying to hear everyone laughing. I was having fun as the MC and was acting silly.

Intermission arrived way too soon. I stood at the front gate saying goodbye to the departing guests. I kept waiting for the members of Big Bang to leave but instead, Tabi positioned himself in my line of sight and stared at me. I flirted with him while saying goodbye to the guests.

SooJin came to get me. "There's a problem in the house."

I smiled and waved goodbye to Tabi, then secretly breathed a sigh of relief. When we reached the house, SooJin pulled me into the pantry and just stared at me. I knew what he wanted to say but I also knew it wouldn't matter even if he said it. I shrugged then headed back to the stage.

Big Bang had prepared a skit for the show and when it was time for them to perform, they insisted that Jillyan and I sit in their seats in the front row.

Daesung announced, "Our skit is an homage to Bella and Jillyan."

When the curtain opened, Tabi was wearing a long auburn wig and dressed in jeans and the T-shirt I'd worn to the signing. I gasped. _How had he gotten it?_ It was very tight across his chest. I glanced at Jillyan. She grinned and nodded her head, "Oh yes."

JiYong was dressed in jeans and the hoodie Jillyan had worn to the signing and also a long brown wig. They were seated on lounges while the rest of Big Bang sat around them on chairs pretending to read newspapers or magazines.

I heard the first strains of Moon Hee Jun. As I watched in mock horror, they mimicked the same actions we'd taken on that day on the patio. It was hilarious to watch Tabi try to do ballet. JiYong was even more hilarious trying to mimic Jillyan's acrobatic moves.

Tears ran down our cheeks at their hilarity. While Tabi and JiYong were dancing, the other guys pretended to continue to read and ignore them. When Tabi and JiYong stopped dancing and sat back down, Seungri looked up and asked, "Do you want to get something to eat?"

They then stood up, bowed and left the stage. Only Jillyan and me really knew what was going on but the rest of the audience, spurred by our contagious laughter, had joined in on the fun and Big Bang's act was a huge hit.

I turned over the MC duties to DaeSung while Jillyan and I changed for our act. A makeup artist was applying an enormous amount of makeup on Jillyan while I dressed. When I returned, Jillyan looked awesome. While the makeup artist worked on me, we could hear the audience laughing. When we were both ready, we faced each other and smiled.

She said, "Knock him dead."

I laughed and said, "Don't you mean to say knock them dead?"

She scanned me from top to bottom then shook her head. "I meant what I said. Go get him, girl. But be careful. Looking like that you might just knock them all dead."

We verbally went over the choreography one more time. "I love you, Jillyan. No matter what, I will always be thankful for your light in the darkness."

She laughed, "You are shining so bright right now, no one can even see my light."

I hugged her hard. "Hey, you're messing up my clothes."

We'd chosen Brittany Spears, Drop Dead (Gorgeous) to perform. Daesung had helped us with acquiring the required costumes and accessories, and even worked with us on choreography. Somehow we'd become friends again. I was so glad.

For our parody, I would be a female version of Tabi and Jillyan would be a female version of JiYong. Jillyan and I had spent hours practicing mimicking Tabi and JiYong's mannerisms and movements.

My costume consisted of a one-piece strappy, form fitting bodysuit with boy shorts in a burgundy, dark brown color. I had a white camisole under it but there wasn't much fabric to either piece. I wore stiletto boots made of a black stretch lycra fabric which came up to the top of my inner upper thigh. The top 6" could be unzipped and rolled down or rolled back up and zipped. I wore them rolled down.

Over that I wore a military style jacket similar to what Tabi had worn in the Fantastic Baby MV. I'd designed and made a more feminine version and customized it to combine our styles. I wore a bright blue wig cut in a bob with his military hat on top. Under the jacket I wore a necklace with a 2" rhinestone studded skull and on my fingers I wore Tabi's trademark style rings. Nine chain and rope style bracelets encircled my right arm.

The makeup artist had put very large gaudy blue eyelashes on my eyes and the eye makeup was exotic and bright. My eyebrows were also blue. The rest of my makeup was pretty normal, pink cheeks, red lips, and pale skin. I glanced in the mirror and saw Tabi as a girl staring back at me.

Jillyan was wearing her hair like JiYong had worn it in the Fantastic Baby MV, except it was bright neon pink. She carried a shoulder length pink wig tucked into her pocket for her onstage costume change. She wore a pink form fitting mini dress with a boat neck. It had white feathers at the neck, hem and wrists. Over that, she wore a jacket similar to the one JiYong had worn in the Fantastic Baby MV, but I had made a new one, longer and with a more feminine fit. Instead of boots she wore strappy stiletto sandals.

We stood closed together staring in the mirror then burst out laughing.

Daesung walked over and we asked his opinion. Daesung smiled broadly and nodded his head. "Oh Yes." He pointed at me. "Tabi", then Jillyan, "G-dess." He got someone to help us put on our wireless microphones. We'd chosen to wear wireless microphones so we didn't have to worry about dropping microphones when we took off our jackets during the song.

I was nervous but really, what was the worst that could happen. I would fall? I would fall off the stage onto someone? I would embarrass myself. Tabi would hate seeing me like this? Tabi would love seeing me like this? I focused on more breathing, less thinking.

Daesung flashed us the five minute sign and Jillyan and I held hands and wished each other luck. She was so beautiful, even dressed up as JiYong. I was glad she was my sister. I peeked out at the crowd and Big Bang was once again in the front row. Shit.

I walked out onto the left side of the stage on the first beat of the song. I started singing and then started to strut in time with the beat in the general direction of the right side of the stage. I looked seductively at Tabi as I sang and walked:

_Oh, diamond, diamond, shinin', shinin'_

_Ooh, boy, you so fine_

_Gotta be the finest thing_

_That I seen in my life_

As I walked past Tabi, I turned and walked backwards just to keep eye contact. Then I turned and snapping my fingers in time to the beat, stared down the other members of Big Bang.

_I will pay whatever_

_Just to get a better view_

I had just come even with Taeyang when I sang the following lines:

_And yeah, your body looks so sick_

_I think I caught the flu_

I moved my hand to my forehead like I was sick, saw Taeyang smile really big, saw EunChae hit his shoulder, and then continued walking toward the right side of the stage closest to JiYong.

 Jillyan entered from the right and as we passed, we high fived. She sang:

_Look at you, look at you_

_Be my sweetie, be my honey tonight_

_Look at you, look at you_

_Be my sweetie, be my honey tonight_

While she sang, we did the choreography we'd devised and then I took my hat off and tossed it. It was trying to slide off and it was annoying me. Jillyan reached the left side of the stage and turned to face me and walking toward each other to the middle, she sang while I rapped the chorus.

Jillyan: _'Cause you're beautiful_

Me: _(Drop dead)_

J: _Beautiful_

Me: _(Drop dead)_

J: _Beautiful_

Me: _(Drop dead)_

J: _Beautiful_

Me: _(Drop, drop dead)_

J: _Beautiful_

Me: _(Drop dead)_

J: _Beautiful_

Me: _(Drop dead)_

J: _Beautiful_

Me: _(Drop, drop dead)_

While I rapped the Drop Deads, I made a gun with my finger and mimicked shooting individuals in the crowd with it. Then, I added a little sexy catch in my voice and sang:

_You're some kind of fine_

Jillyan:

_Boy, you know, you're beautiful_

_I know you heard it before_

_Boy, you know, you broke the mold_

[while Jillyan sang the word close, I whispered, "Closer."]

_Nobody even comes close_

_Nobody even comes close_

Me: _You're some kind of fine_

I was on the right side of the stage now.  I turned to strut sexily back to the left side of the stage as Jillyan strutted toward the right side of the stage, I looked in Tabi's direction and sang:

_You must be T-O-P because you got me hypnotized_

_Whoever said that beauty's on the inside is a liar_

[I looked him up and down like I was appraising him as I sang the next line.]

_'Cause what I'm looking at right now would make a big girl cry_

Then staring intently into his eyes, I leaned over toward him and sang:

_So fasten up your seat belt_

While I unbuttoned my jacket

_, it's gon' be a bumpy ride_

I flashed Tabi. As Jillyan sang, I turned and slowly let the jacket slide of my shoulders and down to my wrists.

_Look at you, look at you_

_Be my sweetie, be my honey tonight_

_Look at you, look at you_

_Be my sweetie, be my honey tonight_

I shook it off my left hand then turning, tossed it in Tabi's general direction while I in a sexy voice I sang:

_You're some kind of fine_

while tilting my head back and exposing my long white neck to him.

Jillyan paced the right side of the stage while I paced the left, meeting a couple of times in the middle of the stage while we continued to dance and sing the chorus.

I continued mimicking Tabi's mannerisms when rapping. For the final line, I increased the sexy catch in my voice:

Me: _You're some kind of fine_

While Jillyan removed her jacket and switched her wig, I sang the following lines:

_Boy, you know, you're beautiful_

_I know you heard it before_

_Boy, you know, you broke the mold_

[I heard Seungri clapping and whistling for Jillyan. I glanced over and she looked hot. Then Jillyan started singing again while I moaned and seductively ran my hands up my legs, pulling the tops of my boots up and zipping them.]

_Nobody even comes close_

_Nobody even comes close_

I stood and sang: _You're some kind of fine_ making it sound like a moan and letting my hands play at the top of my boots.

I looked directly at Jillyan and we both laughed. Then I caught Tabi's eye and sang: _Oh, I think I like you_ ," I winked and he looked surprised but then smiled a great big smile that lit up his face.

I started strutting toward the right side of the stage where JiYong was sitting, Jillyan turned and strutted toward me and we did a high five when we passed each other. While strutting I rapped:

_Boy, boy, look at you, I wanna get, get, get next to you_

_Got me kinda hot but I ain't sweatin' you_

_Steam me like a pot full of vegetables_ [I mimicked wiping my sweat off my neck with a towel]

_Boy, boy, look at me_

_I know you wanna touch but it ain't for free_ [I ran my hand down my body to the tops of my boots.]

_I don't need your money,_

I pointed to JiYong: _I just want your G.D._

Looking directly at JiYong and motioning for him to come, I rapped: _Boy, come over here with your sexy ass and don't forget your crayon._

JiYong looked like I'd shocked him.

Jillyan was now on the left side of the stage and I was on the right. Facing each other, we strutted toward each other to the middle of the stage. Back to back, she sang while I rapped the chorus and we both moved our bodies in a seductive manner in time with the music, with me still shooting at the audience.

Then I sang the last line like I had finally achieved climax:  _You're some kind of fine_

After that, the instrumental played for few seconds while Jillyan strutted to the far right side of the stage while I strutted to the far left. She moaned and I whispered, " _Get your Crayon_ ", each time turning to look and motion for JiYong to come. I repeated this twice while Jillyan moaned. Then I looked directly at Tabi while Jillyan and I spoke, "Boy you know" and we turned our backs to the crowd posing seductively. We waited for the final note and then disappeared behind the stage curtain.

The crowd went crazy cheering and whistling. We walked back out on stage and took a bow. I was careful not to look at anyone.

"C'mon, let's take another bow," Jillyan said breathlessly.

"We need to change for the next act."

Jillyan, EunChae and I, along with two of EunChae's school friends, were doing a female version of Big Bang's Fantastic Baby. I was sticking with Tabi but someone else was playing JiYong. Jillyan needed to change into her Seungri costume.

I walked over to the costume rack and grabbed the next jacket I would need for the parody, picked up the hat I had tossed earlier and stood behind the curtain waiting for my entrance. I hadn't been able to accurately judge Tabi's reaction. I think he'd been pleased by my attention to him, but confused by my attention to JiYong. I wanted to explain that it had been Daesung's idea to do the choreography and lyrics that way.

After this parody, I would take over as MC again but the show would only last so long. Then it would be time to face him. And after what I had just done to JiYong, I was sure he would be looking for me too.

My role in the Fantastic Baby parody was very limited. I went onstage. Tabi was smiling up at me. I wanted to smile back but I needed to stay in character. The parody was not very difficult. Wait for Tabi's rap, do my best imitation and then wait for the next one. I glanced in JiYong's direction but he wasn't in his seat.

Finally the parody was done and I went to change back into my MC clothes.

Daesung caught up with me, "Please," he begged. "Let me finish the show. I'm having a blast."

"Okay." This was the opportunity to sneak out of the stage area and hide in the chapel. I'd just changed into my sundress and sandals, and was trying to remove the false eyelashes when I caught sight of Jiyong striding toward me, murder on his face.

Luckily, Jillyan had caught sight of him too and tried to distract him, but he was determined. He reached me, grabbed my wrist then dragged me out of the stage area. Instead of heading for the house, he headed toward the chapel.

He finally stopped when we could no longer hear the partygoers' voices. The moon was high and bright in the sky which allowed enough light for me to see his face. I could tell he was angry so I waited.

"What the hell was that? God, Bella, you know how I feel about you and then you pull this? What am I supposed to think?"

"JiYong, I like you." JiYong took a step toward me but I quickly continued, "But I like Tabi too." JiYong swore under his breath. "I can't choose between you two and I'd in no condition or position to be dating anyone. You guys are leaving in a week to go on tour and I don't know when I will see any of you again. I can't promise anything to anyone right now. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

I turned and ran, not having a specific direction in mind, and slammed into Tabi. He'd heard my conversation with JiYong. I couldn't look him in the eyes. I pushed away from him and ran toward the house.

I raced into the house. On the way up the stairs to my bedroom, I grabbed extra comforters and pillows then piled them in the middle of the floor. I crawled under all but the last one and curled up in a ball. Even though what I'd just done was necessary, I still felt a tremendous sense of loss. I sobbed, pushing my face into a pillow. I hated myself. I hated what Rick had done to me. I hated South Korea. Eventually I cried myself to sleep.

Sometime later I realized the house had grown quiet. I surmised that either the guests had gone home or were now sleeping. I crawled out of my cocoon and was surprised to find Tabi sitting in the corner of the room watching me. I stood and walked to the bathroom. I washed my face, removing the makeup and fake eyelashes from earlier in the evening, then changed into a tank top and shorts.

When I returned, Tabi had rearranged the blankets and pillows and created a bed for us. I sat down and studied his face. He didn't look tired or sad. He looked resigned. He motioned for me to lie down and when I did, he lay beside me and covered us with a second comforter. I rolled onto my side away from him but when he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me into him, I didn't fight.

 He didn't try to kiss me or make any move to touch me other than his arm around my waist. I raised my head a little and he gently put his arm under my head and as I lay my head back down on his arm, he pulled me even closer. He molded his body to fit mine. After a few moments, he took my hand very gently, interlaced our fingers and placed both of our hands on my heart. I'd never been this close to him before. I wanted to cry but I had no tears left. I closed my eyes and hoped to die.

Tabi slept beside me, holding me all night. When I moved away in my sleep, he moved to reclaim me.

***

When I woke the next morning, I was lying across his chest with his arm encircling me. I lifted my head and stared at him. I wanted to kiss him but if he woke, how would I explain it?

Slowly I moved away from him. I needed some water. I walked downstairs to the kitchen to get water for Tabi and me. At the refrigerator, I decided to return and curl back beside him. When he woke I would confess everything.

As I headed toward the stairs, my cellphone rang. I walked outside onto the patio. It was the sheriff from my home town and he had news. I walked in the general direction of the chapel while I talked to him.

They had arrested a suspect in Rick's murder. It was someone I knew. Julie White, my ex-best friend and Rick's mistress. I'd reached the chapel by now but I wandered beyond it to a field full of bright yellow flowers. I fell to my knees when he told me I would need to come back. There would be a trial and I would need to testify. It would probably only take a few months, but I should start planning to come back soon, within the next week. I held it together until he ended the call.

I dropped the cell phone, collapsed in the tall grass and closed my eyes. The world was suddenly too bright. I thought of Tabi holding me, staying by my side all night, of JiYong who wasn't going to give up so easily, of Jillyan and SooJin and all the people I'd come to love and care for in South Korea. But mostly I thought of Tabi.

All my beautiful dreams, melting, burning, disintegrating as all the life and light drained out of me.

***

Tabi woke with a start. He wasn't sure where he was and then he remembered. He opened his eyes and was surprised Bella wasn't beside him. He went to the kitchen and asked if anyone had seen her. No one had but several people offered to help look for her, including Jillyan.

Jillyan knew Bella liked sitting in the chapel in the early morning so she headed in that direction. She walked all around the chapel but there was no sign of Bella. Then she heard Bella's cellphone ringtone and followed the sound.

Bella was lying on the ground, eyes closed. Jillyan tried to rouse her. When that failed, she grabbed the phone and spoke to the man on the other end.

"I'm sorry but I forgot to tell Bella where the trial is being held."

"I'm Bella's sister. Can you repeat what you just told Bella?"

A cold chill raced down Jillyan's back as she terminated the call. She dialed Tabi, "It's Bella. I need you. At the chapel."

Tabi arrived only moments later. He carried Bella to the house and to her room. Her body was burning up. Jillyan brought water and cold wet cloths.

After about twenty minutes, Bella seemed to be coming around.

***

I woke slowly. Jillyan helped me drink some water. One look at her face told me that she knew. "I need you to call my lawyer. Julie will need a good defense lawyer. Please call my financial manager to set up a defense fund, then call Julie's parents and let them know I'll do whatever I can to help."

"Why would you do anything to help the woman who murdered your ex-fiancé?"

I stared blankly at her. "She's a victim too."

Jillyan left to make the calls and I glanced weakly at Tabi. "I need to start making plans to return to America. Can you please get SooJin?"

Tabi didn't budge but sat staring at me. He said softly, "Did you know this would happen?"

I sighed. "I sensed something was coming." I hoped Tabi would lay down and hold me, but instead he got up to find SooJin.

At the door he turned, "Don't ever forget I love you."

How happy those words might have made me last night. Today they were remnants of a past life.

***

Daesung ran into JiYong later that evening. JiYong was terribly upset about what had happened with Bella. He believed she was giving him the green light to move forward, but instead learned he was in competition with Tabi for Bella's affection.

Daesung tried to calm JiYong down. He was worried about his friend. "Just wait. I'm sure an opportunity will present itself for you to prove to Bella that you're the right choice, the only choice, for her. I'll help in any way I can." Daesung could tell JiYong was desperate. He'd never seen his friend like this. Daesung understood how he felt. He'd loved Bella too but not, he realized, to the extent and depth that he felt JiYong did. "Let's go. There's nothing else to be done here."

***

When Tabi returned to the suite the next day, JiYong could tell he was upset. He was surprised to hear Bella would be leaving for America in a week. He wondered if Bella would return to South Korea and when he would have a chance to win her heart.


	15. Departures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Super short chapter.

I spent the next week getting everything in order for my absence. Neither the sheriff nor the defense attorney could give me a good sense of how long the trial might take.

I wanted to see everyone one last time all together but with the tour fast approaching, it wasn't possible. So I avoided everyone. I spent as much time as I could walking and trying to memorize the property. I gave instructions for SooJin to get the chapel restored. I left instructions with EunChae on how I wanted my bedroom to be decorated and other details for the house. In the end, I left everything. This life and the life I was returning to were too separate and distinct to try to bring together.

When the date of departure arrived, SooJin and his family offered to take me to the airport. Jillyan would meet us there. I cried my eyes out the night before and was certain I would have no tears left for today but I was wrong. I started crying when SooJin began loading up the car. I cried as I waved goodbye to my home. I cried as I waved goodbye to Seoul.

Jillyan was waiting at the gate when we arrived. Seungri, Daesung and Taeyang were with her. It was so good to see them. I hugged each one really tightly and wished them the best for their tour. Each one of them held a small gift bag for me, a going away but don't forget to come back present.

"Jiyong is so sorry he can't be here today. He asked me to give you this," Taeyang said as he handed me a small gift bag.

No one mentioned Tabi.

They announced the final boarding call and after a group hug, I turned to get on the plane. Then I heard him. Tabi yelling my name at the top of his lungs. I glanced hopefully at the airline employee.

She smiled. "You can one more minute to say goodbye."

Everyone moved aside and allowed Tabi to hug me. He handed me a gift bag. "Wait until you leave to open it."

I hugged him so hard. I didn't want to leave him. I heard the airline employee clear her throat and suddenly it was time to leave.

I released my grip on Tabi and started to back away when he pulled me to him and kissed me. It was the kind of kiss every girl dreams of. It started out sweet, gentle and safe, lips to lips, and then just when you think it's over, it starts to deepen and change and your heart beats faster. He opened his mouth a tiny bit and kissed my upper and lower lips separately and then claiming my entire mouth, I felt his tongue brush my inner lip. Just as my body begin to respond, he started to ease back ending with all sweetness and light. He slowly released me from his grip.

I stumbled back, all confusion and desire.

He gazed into my eyes, smiled and said, "I love you. Come back to me."

I leaned toward him, put my hands on his shoulders, raised myself on my toes and whispered in his ear, "I like you. I like you so very much."

As I stepped away, a smile slowly spread out over Tabi's face. I wished with all my heart I would see him again. I hoped that in some cosmic corner of the universe, we were fated to end up together.

On the plane, I cried silent tears for over an hour. When they finally eased, I remembered the gift bags. I pulled them out and sat them in the empty seat beside me, trying to decide which one to open first. I decided to leave Tabi's for last.

Taeyang's gift contained modern looking headphones, pink and lightweight. His note read "I am glad we met. Be safe and happy and come back to us soon."

Jillyan and Seungri's gift was a gel face mask and silk handkerchief. Their note suggested I use the handkerchief to wipe away my tears then wear the gel mask on the plane so I wouldn't be all bloated from crying when I arrived in America. I smiled. How well they know me.

Daesung's gift contained facial products. His note read, "Take care of your face. We love it and want to see it again really soon." I smiled. It had been pretend for me but not for him.

JiYong's gift contained no note. I wasn't sure at first if he had sent it or if Daesung had packed it for him. It contained a tiny white bear with a red heart which proclaimed "Luv U 4 Eva." Suddenly I remembered the white teddy bear he'd given me when we went to the amusement park. His note was part of his gift. Luv U 4 Eva. I felt a tiny bit of sadness and regret creep into my heart.

Tabi's gift contained three small bags. A small voice recorder was in the first. I put on my new headphones and turned it on. Tabi's voice came on and said, "NO, NO, NO. Open the blue bag first." I stopped the recorder and opened the blue bag. Inside was a small gift box with a a note that read, "Open me first." _How had he known?_

Inside was the rhinestone covered skull necklace I'd worn during our performance at the housewarming party. It took me a moment to figure out what was different. Suddenly I realized it was a locket. I found the release and the locket popped open. Inside was a picture of Tabi and a picture of Tabi and me together. I didn't remember taking a photo with him but as I looked closer, I realized Tabi had cut us out of a larger group picture. I wished we'd taken a photo together just the two of us. I slipped the locket over my head and noticed that it hung close to my heart.

I opened the bag with note that said to open second. Inside was a small gift box containing an ornate silver ring and a note to start the recorder. Tabi sang softly then said, "Hey Bella, I know you're going to be sad being so far away from me. I bought us couple rings but I never had a chance to ask you to wear it. Listen, I'm not asking you to promise me your future or even that it will be me and not JiYong that you choose. I just want you to wear it to remind you of your promise to come back to me. I've been wearing it on a chain around my neck for the last week so when you wear it, you can feel my heart beat. I'll be wearing its mate. I love you." Tabi sang for a few more minutes then the tape stopped.

Silently, tears streaming down my face, I slipped the ring on my finger. It fit perfectly. Just like him.


	16. Trial

I couldn't return to my family home where the memory of Rick's death was far too potent. Instead, I checked into a hotel close to the courthouse. My hotel room was tiny and instead of a patio, I had only a miniscule balcony. Still it was home for as long as I needed it.

The next few weeks passed quickly; meetings with attorneys, meeting with Julie and her parents, interviews, witness statements. Catching up with old friends and visiting my parents.

Once a week, I talked with SooJin via Skype. Big Bang left to go on tour and with them, Jillyan and EunChae. SooJin was busy with college and working on the property, so most of the time he didn't say much. Every once in a great while I'd get a text from Daesung but rarely did I hear from anyone else.

For news about Big Bang and Jillyan, I read her blog. I knew from her exaggerated stories of our own adventures in South Korea to read between the lines. She was fine, the concerts were great and being on tour was okay. She rarely wrote about any of the members of Big Bang except Seungri. I missed her and I missed them. When it got really bad, I would open the locket and stare as his picture, trying to remember his touch, his kiss. The ring on my finger had felt foreign and heavy at first but had gradually become part of me. Life was plodding along and I was being carried along with it.

Once the trial started, I was too exhausted from siting in court all day to do much in the evenings. Mostly I just wrote in my journal or sketched. I longed to hear from Tabi and wondered how he was doing.

Once a week, a package arrived at the hotel for me. They never contained a note or a return address. Sometimes they contained food, like chocolates or brownies; sometimes hair accessories or jewelry. One packaged contained several yards of a beautiful but expensive silk fabric. I wondered if JiYong was the culprit. I thought maybe Tabi but I reasoned he would have definitely included a note. It was strange but I started to look forward to the packages and the mystery. Amid the grayness of the trial, they were a welcome respite.

***

I was on the computer sending a long email to Jillyan, when I received a call from the hotel lobby. Another package had been delivered and the delivery person was waiting to see me. I raced down the stairs not wanting to wait for the elevator and received the shock of my life when I saw Jillyan standing in the lobby. I screamed, grabbed her in a bear hug, and held on. We stood embracing and crying in the lobby for ten minutes before she managed to pry herself away.

We walked back to my room talking and laughing and it was only when we reached the safety of my room that she revealed the reason for her surprise visit.

"Seungri proposed to me at the concert in Malaysia." She grinned. "I accepted, of course." She held out her hand and I stared abashed at the sparkling diamond. "I didn't just come to gloat. I wanted to see how you were doing and want you to tell me all about the trial, but mostly I came to ask for a favor."

"What favor?"

"SooJin has done an amazing job restoring the chapel. We, Seungri and I, can't think of a more beautiful place to get married. We're hoping to get married in the spring."

"Of course, yes."

She hugged me. "Thank you. SooJin said you would say yes. Wait until you see it. You'll love it. It hasn't lost any of its charm from the restoration. If anything, it's become more soulful and reverant."

I marveled at the changes that had taken place in Jillyan. She'd blossomed into a beautiful young woman, inside and out. I knew Seungri must consider himself very lucky to have her in his life.

Jillyan had two more favors to ask. She exclaimed, "Please be my maid of honor? I can't–no I won't do this without you. It's all because of you that I'm getting married to Seungri."

"Nothing would make me happier."

"Will you design and make my wedding dress."

"I don't know. I've never designed or made a wedding dress before. But yes. Of course." I laughed.

"I have all sorts of ideas."

"How long are you staying?"

"Only for a week. Seungri made me promise I would come right back."

I thought of Tabi. I was too afraid to ask about him. "Let's see what you've got for the wedding plans and dress designs."

Jillyan's ideal wedding dress was a simple affair and I was certain I could manage it. I drew up a couple of designs and we went back and forth until finally we'd worked out all the details. Jillyan would be a beautiful bride. EunChae was to be a bridesmaid too. We discussed the bridesmaid dresses. She wanted something simple, understated, soft and feminine.

"When you return to South Korea, have SooJin help with planning," I said.

"It's terrible that you're stuck in the states for a while longer. By the way, I noticed Tabi wearing a new ring all the time. I'm really curious about it but I'm afraid to ask him." She smiled and glanced down at the ring on my finger. "His ring is very similar to yours."

When she lifted her eyes to mine, I smiled. "It's a couple ring. It was in his gift bag along with a locket." I showed her the locket.

She smiled a knowing smile. "Should we plan for a double wedding?"

I grinned. "Not on your life."

She playfully punched my arm and then we were wrestling on the bed laughing.

When she left a few days later, I felt her absence keenly.

***

A few weeks after Jillyan returned to South Korea, the prosecution and defense rested their cases. The jury deliberated only a few hours before returning with a verdict. Not guilty. My heart lurched into my throat when I realized it was over. I could go home.

Julie hugged her parents and then turned to hug me. We'd talked when I first arrived home and she'd apologized for being with Rick all those years behind my back. She really and truly loved him. I felt sad for her.

I'd begun questioning what my true feelings for Rick had been. I think I just liked having someone treat me like a princess and being the star of every party, as Jillyan had once said. But there was no feeling, no passion toward him. I'd never once felt for Rick what I felt for Tabi. I wondered if in time I would have eventually realized what I was missing and went in search of it.

I remained in American one more week getting my old life packed up and given away, thrown away and put to rest. My parents were not happy about my decision to return or stay permanently in South Korea. I tried to explain. "I love you but I feel more at home in South Korea than I've ever felt anywhere else. Please try to accept that. I'd love to have you come visit. You are welcome whenever you want."

When they learned of Jillyan's engagement and upcoming wedding, they were furious. So I just left it alone. 


	17. Sweet dreams are made of this

I hadn't told anyone I was coming home. I wanted to ease back into my life. I arrived at Heaven in the late afternoon hours and found the house quiet and unoccupied. I dropped my bags in the hallway then went for a walk.

Winter had set in for the long haul and a light snow fall covered most of the ground. My footsteps crunched as I walked. As always, I found myself heading for the chapel. I walked around the outside and surveyed the work but it was the interior that had transformed the most. I could see now why Jillyan wanted to get married here.

I sat in a pew and thanked god for bringing me home safely. I breathed deeply and watched the light traverse the wall. When I shivered, I stood then headed to the caretaker's house.

SooJin stared wide-eyed when he saw me standing at the door then pulled me into a big bear hug and spun me around. When he finally set me down, I was dizzy.

He fixed hot chocolate and as we sat at the kitchen table, talked non-stop for over ten minutes. I was astonished. He'd hardly ever talked this much on Skype.

I smiled. "Are there any groceries at the main house?"

"I'm not sure. I'm happy to run to the store and get some supplies."

"That would be grate. All I want to do is reacquaint myself with my home and rest."

I returned to the house, walked up the stairs to my bedroom and opened the door. I had to double check I had the right bedroom, it was so transformed. It was exactly as I had described to the decorator and EunChae. It was too cold to sit on the patio so I lay down on the big comfy bed.

I closed my eyes, remembered Tabi holding me close to him, and fell asleep. When I woke later, SooJin had returned from the store and was cooking something to eat. I breathed a sigh of relief. I was home.

***

The first week, I set up my studio. I had a wedding dress to make. I'd found the perfect fabric in the states and was waiting for it to arrive.

My life quickly fell into a rhythm. Like as had happened at the hotel in America, I started receiving mystery packages again. When the first one arrived, I asked SooJin, "Do you know anything about these mystery packages?"

"No. Nothing."

Still a mystery.

Now home, I heard often from Jillyan. Even Daesung was texting more often. One night I was on the computer when someone unfamiliar requested a Skype. I was curious. _Was this the person sending the mystery packages?_

I nearly jumped out of my chair with joy when Tabi's face appeared on my screen. He smiled and said, "Hey Bella. Looking good."

I couldn't speak for fear of screaming for a few seconds. He was in a good mood. I asked, "I thought you didn't communicate well?"

He laughed and said simply, "Maybe there was never anyone I wanted to communicate with. How was the trial? Your flight home?"

"Boring. Slow. I'm so glad to be home."

"You know about the wedding?"

"Yeah. I'm so happy for them. When are you coming back to Seoul?" I asked.

He was vague. Mumbled something unintelligible.

"I miss you," I said.

"Show me your hands."

I smiled and showed him the ring I was wearing, a ring identical to his.

He grinned.

"Thank you for the gifts, Tabi. They're very precious to me."

Before we'd even gotten to the important parts, he was being called back to work.

"Goodnight." I blew him a kiss and signed off Skype feeling much happier.

***

I realized Tabi's birthday was coming up soon. I wanted to do something special for him. They were playing a concert in Thailand on his birthday. I called Jillyan and asked for a favor. She thought it was a great idea.

I flew to Thailand the day of the concert and kept a low profile. I met up with Jillyan and we went to the concert together. I was wearing the outfit I had worn to the signing, the day I met Tabi for the first time, and was sitting in the family and friends section when I was approached by an older woman.

"Are you Bella?"

I nodded.

"I'm Mrs. Choi, Tabi's mom."

She sat down beside me then glanced at my locket and then at the ring on my finger. She seemed to want to talk to me about something so I smiled and waited.

"What are you to my son?"

I liked that she was direct. "I love him. I'm going to tell him tonight."

She smiled and took my hand. "Thank you." Surprised by her reaction, I stared quizzically at her. She patted my hand. "For the last few months all I have heard about is Bella this, Bella that. Seung Hyun talks about you constantly as do all the members of Big Bang. I know that something happened to you that makes you careful about relationships. I like that too." She nodded her head but her expression was serious. "He loves you. Please take responsibility for my son."

I nodded.

Jillyan sat down next to us and Mrs. Choi released my hand and stood to leave. She smiled at Jillyan and I got the impression they'd become friends. I relayed our conversation to Jillyan.

***

A friend of Jiyong's overheard our conversation and went backstage to find JiYong but instead ran into Daesung. He relayed the conversation to Daesung who thanked him for the information and told him he would take care of everything.

Daesung found JiYong in the dressing room alone. "Bella's here to tell Tabi she loves him."

"What? You're kidding."

"I have a plan to make sure you and Bella end up together." Daesung explained it.

Jiyong scowled. "That's not the way I want to win her. No way."

"It's the only way. If you truly love Bella and want her to choose you, you need to do something drastic. Something desperate."

"I don't like this."

"What choice do you have?"

Reluctantly, JiYong agreed.

"Leave everything to me," Daesung said.


	18. Betrayal (All's fair in love)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologies but someone had to be the bad guy.

Jillyan and I glanced around excitedly at the fans as the seats filled. Without warning, two security guards grabbed me and I was dragged backstage, placed in an empty room and the door locked from the outside. I screamed for help but the sound from the concert drowned out my voice.

After an hour of trying to find a way out, I gave up, sat down, leaned back against the wall and waited. Someone would eventually miss me and start looking for me. Right?

***

When I woke, it was too quiet. I sat up, rubbed my eyes and glanced around. JiYong stood in the center of the room. I was so happy to see him, I stood up and ran over to him to give him a hug, "Thank god, JiYong. It's so good to see you." I released him, walked to the door and tried to open it but it was still locked.

Confused, I turned to ask him about it. I was startled to discover he'd walked up behind me. He didn't look happy. He looked furious. He grabbed my hands and pushed them against the wall above my head then leaned his whole body into me, pressing me into the wall.

I gasped and he kissed me, hard and deep, his mouth ravaging mine. I struggled to fight him, to try to get away, but I didn't want to hurt him. Holding both of my hands tightly in one of his above my head, he slowly traced the outline of my body with his other hand, stopping to caress my breast, my stomach, my hip, and lower. When my body responded to his touch, I started to fight harder.

He used one of his legs to move mine apart then stepped in between. He wrapped his arm around my hips, placing his hand on my lower back. Pulling my pelvis into his, he began to move seductively and rhythmically against me.

My body turned traitor. I hated myself. I stopped fighting and kissed him back. He released my hands and one flew to the back of his head while the other closed around his waist, all thoughts of fighting fading. I pushed every part of me into him. I couldn't get close enough. I wanted him.

He moaned deep in his throat, pulled his mouth away from mine then stared at me hard for a few seconds.

Blood rushed to my face. "Oh god, what have I done?"

 He slowly disengaged himself from my embrace and strode away. When he picked up the video recorder, I finally understood what was happening.

JiYong removed the SD card from the video player, held it up for me to see then tucked it in the pocket of his jeans. He sauntered to where I still leaned against the wall then motioned for me to give him my left hand. When I didn't move, he grabbed it then slid Tabi's ring off my finger.

"No. That's mine." I protested then tried to get it back but he just ignored me and shoved it in his pocket. My hand felt naked.

JiYong pulled a small jewelry box out of his jacket pocket and pushed it into my hands. When I didn't move to open it, he took the box, opened it and where Tabi's ring had once resided, JiYong now slipped a diamond engagement ring.

I protested, "A woman has the right to say no to a proposal."

He shot me a look that said I had no say anymore. He removed the locket from around my neck, popped it open and glared at the photos of Tabi inside. Suddenly, he flung the locket away from him. When it hit the wall then shattered into several pieces, my stomach lurched. Throughout all of this, he hadn't said a word.

"Give me Tabi's ring back," I said.

He glared at me then grimaced.

"Please give it back. It symbolized a promise I made to come back."

"You kept your promise."

"Please? I'm begging you."

He dug it out of his pocket, briefly stared at it then handed it back. "I never want see it on your finger again."

He crossed the room and leaned against the wall opposite me. He stared at me sadly and explained, "If you leave me, I'll send this SD card to Tabi. From now on you're mine. In a few weeks we have a break, I'll come see you and we'll announce our engagement."

Stunned, my knees gave out. I slid down the wall and landed hard on the floor. "Why are you doing this to me?" I whispered raggedly.

JiYong approached then squatted down to stare into my eyes. He sighed. "I love you. I can't take the risk you won't choose me. I can't lose you to anyone, especially not Tabi."

I retorted, "I'll tell Tabi what happened."

JiYong laughed harshly. "Do you really want to hurt him that much?"

I screamed, "How would that hurt him anymore than this will?"

JiYong grabbed my hands and pulled me up from the floor. His face inches from mine, he spoke brusquely, "If you walk away from me, you'll lose Tabi too. Is that what you want? To lose both of us? To lose everything?" He switched his hold from my hand to my wrist and started to pull me toward the door. I followed meekly, all fight drained away. I wasn't surprised when JiYong pulled a key out of his pocket and unlocked the door.

A car was waiting outside of the stadium to take me to the airport. JiYong held my hand as we rode in silence. My mind was racing. _What had just happened?_ _What was I going to do?_

At the airport gate, JiYong smiled. "Don't worry. Everything will be okay." He kissed me, gave me a hug and I climbed into the plane.

On the flight home I realized on some level JiYong wouldn't wait forever for me to be ready to be with him. Hadn't he just made that abundantly clear? He was a passionate man and I knew it was only a matter of time before my own resolve disintegrated. I needed to protect myself. I also knew that once I crossed that line, there would be no going back. Tabi would be forever lost to me.

I stared out at the black sky feeling empty. All the joy I'd carried with me to Thailand had evaporated.


	19. Another Path

SooJin found me crying in the chapel the next morning. I told him everything.

The look on his face said, "I told you so," but he still tried to comfort me. "You should feel relieved. The choice has been taken out of your hands and made for you."

I stared at him and whispered, "I chose Tabi. I wanted to tell him after the concert."

SooJin said nothing but sat with me for a while. When he got up to leave, he said, "Call Jillyan and let her know you're safe. She was worried when you disappeared."

I sat for a while longer in the chapel. I hadn't paid much attention to the ring JiYong had slipped on my finger but now I took it off to get a better look. It was pretty, the diamond wasn't too ostentatious and it had a pretty floral design etched around the band. I found an inscription on the inside which read simply, "Luv U 4 Eva. KJY" I put it back on my hand and returned to the house. I put Tabi's ring on a chain and wore it close to my heart.

***

I stopped accepting Tabi's Skype requests. I couldn't face him. I knew he'd take one look at my face and know something horrible had happened. I couldn't tell him how I'd betrayed him. I texted him and told him I'd made my choice. JiYong and I were getting engaged.

The mysterious weekly packages stopped arriving. I was lonely but everyone was so busy. SooJin was dating a woman he'd met at school. Mrs. Han had gotten a part time job at a local restaurant. I found myself spending almost all of my time alone. Every day I walked the property and wondered if I'd tempted fate by calling it Heaven.

Three weeks after Tabi's birthday, JiYong came to visit. I tried to be happy. I liked him. It would be an interesting life with him. I was sure someday I would love him as much as I now loved Tabi. But I couldn't stop thinking about Tabi lying in my bed, holding me.

JiYong had a lot of business to take care of in Seoul so we stayed at the suite during his break. I suspected it was also to keep me away from Tabi. He kept me close to him and was attentive, sweet and loving, sensitive to my every need.

In the evenings we would sit on the patio and he would talk about the future he wanted for us. He was so passionate about music and fashion and the world. It was easy to get caught up in his vision of the future.

We went shopping together–he picked out a dress for me to wear to the engagement party. It looked like a wedding dress. He continually assured me that he was willing to wait until I was ready to get more serious, but every night he came to my room and held me close, kissing and touching me; pleading with me to be with him. I could feel his need was great, but I pushed him away. He would leave for a while but then return, pull me into his arms and hold me while I slept. I wanted him but I wanted Tabi more.

Two days after the announcements went out, Jillyan stormed into the suite. JiYong greeted her warmly and tried to hug her but she pushed him away, grabbed my wrist and forcibly dragged me into one of the bedrooms.

She waved the party invitation threateningly in my face, "What the hell is this about?"

I tried to calm her down and as we lay on the bed, I told her everything.

She was horrified but quickly grasped the delicacy of the situation. "So he set you up. He's blackmailing you."

I didn't say anything.

She jumped up from the bed and said "We have to tell Tabi."

"How would it help anything to hurt him like that?"

 She sat back down slowly and shook her head. "I can't believe it. He knew you were inexperienced with men and wouldn't be able to control your body's reactions. Damn him."

We sat on the bed. A few minutes passed and then Jillyan continued, "God, Bella, what are you going to do? You love Tabi, he loves you–this is killing him."

Tears flooded my eyes and she realized it was killing me too. "I like JiYong. It won't be difficult to love him. Obviously if he's was willing to go to this extreme, he must really love me."

Jillyan lay beside me. We both sighed and she put her arms around me and hugged me. "God, Bella. I'm so sorry. But really you brought this on yourself. You should have just picked Tabi to begin with. It was his voice that brought you back from the dark."

"It wasn't Tabi's voice I heard that night. It was JiYong's. It was his pain I responded to."

Jillyan stared at me wide-eyed and openmouthed. "Is that why you're not fighting this?"

I sighed. "I guess if I can take some of his pain away, if I can be a light to him in the darkness, it will be enough."

Jillyan was dumbfounded. She scratched her head. "If it was JiYong's voice you responded to, why do you always go all funny when you hear Tabi sing?"

I smiled, "He's voice is so sexy and warm. I can't help myself."

She laughed and we lay together in silence. Eventually she asked, "Have you and JiYong slept together?

"No. He wants to but I keep putting him off. I know once I cross that bridge, I can never go back."

Jillyan laughed. "You're a fricken mess girl. I worry about you."

I laughed, "I know."

When we walked out of the bedroom an hour later, JiYong was cautious but curious. Jillyan walked up to him, "If you hurt her in any way, shape or form, I will hunt you down and kill you. Got it?"

JiYong nodded his agreement then smiled. Jillyan gave him a quick hug and said her goodbyes. JiYong walked toward me with a hopeful smile on his face and I gave him a quick kiss and hug. His mood brightened.

"We should go out tonight to the club with some friends to celebrate."

***

I dressed carefully. This would be my first time out in public with JiYong. There would be many eyes on me. I walked into the common room and JiYong whistled his approval. I smiled and he pulled me into his arms, scattered kisses across my face, neck and jaw, and whispered, "Hmm, you look so sexy. Maybe we should just stay home tonight. I don't want to share you with the world yet."

He kissed me deeply and for one moment I worried we might not make it out of the suite. I sensed that tonight when he came to my room, he wouldn't let me push him away. He'd misunderstood Jillyan's acceptance of our relationship as my capitulation. I felt goosebumps rise on my arms and shivered.

I grabbed a wrap and took a good look at JiYong. As usual, he was dressed to the nines. We looked good together, we fit. It felt good.

A limo picked us up and JiYong was very loving in the car. He talked about the people we would be hanging out with tonight, preparing me. The limo dropped us at the VIP entrance to the club. JiYong put on his public persona and made a big deal of showing me off. I think I did a good job holding my own and all eyes followed us as walked through the club.

JiYong had arranged for me to meet Moon Hee Jun. He'd shown Moon Hee Jun the video from the variety show and told him about our dance. Moon Hee Jun was very friendly and interested in hearing about how we'd come up with the dance. I wished Jillyan could be there to meet him and just then the rest of Big Bang, minus Tabi, arrived.

Jillyan was resplendent on Seungri's arm. Details of their wedding had been all over the news and Jillyan had become an instant celebrity by association. We sat down at a table and ordered drinks. I wondered how Seungri managed to get Jillyan into the club.

Moon Hee Jun, Jillyan and I had a great conversation and in the middle of it, I heard the first strains of "It's Not Okay." JiYong had arranged for Moon Hee Jun to perform the song tonight for us. It was JiYong's engagement present to me and wedding present to Jillyan. We all danced and were joined on the dance floor by Moon Hee Jun himself.

Daesung asked me to dance with him to Shinee's Dream Girl. We were being silly and having fun, twirling and cavorting. He didn't ask any questions although I longed to ask about Tabi.

JiYong asked me to dance to Exo-K's What is Love. He pulled me close and kissed me. I protested that we shouldn't really be kissing in public but he just yelled to everyone around him, "I love this woman." He held me close and whispered in my ear, "Everyone loves you, Bella. You're so beautiful." I imagined I could smell smoke from the bridges that were burning tonight.

Everyone danced to JJ Project's Bounce and then Seungri asked me to dance to Park Jung Min's, Beautiful. Taeyang asked me to dance to BTOB's Wow. I was dancing really seductively and Taeyang was dancing close so when Tabi arrived, I didn't notice until he grabbed my wrist.

He pulled me off the dance floor then turned and stared into my eyes. I could see the tears forming in his eyes so I waited. He suddenly held my face in his hands and kissed me, hard and deep. I could feel the desire, longing and heartbreak in his kiss. I tried to answer that desire, longing and heartbreak with my own.

He abruptly let go, stared at me for a few seconds then turned away and raced out of the club, his cheeks wet with tears. I collapsed onto the ground, all the light and life rushing out of me. My heart in pieces, I held on to that moment, tears streaming down my face.

Jillyan rushed to me, wrapped her arms around my shoulders then asked, "Are you okay?"

I focused on her face then voice ragged, said, "Tabi–someone needs to make sure he's okay."

JiYong and Jillyan helped me to my feet, assisted me back to the table and ordered me another drink. JiYong was visibly upset but trying not to get angry. He held me tight against his chest while Daesung and Taeyang went to find Tabi and make sure he was okay.

I sat in stunned silence. Seungri and Jillyan tried to block JiYong and me from inquiring eyes. Daesung returned. He couldn't find Tabi. Taeyang returned a few minutes later saying the same.

Big Bang formed a shield around me and JiYong and accompanied us to the limo. JiYong held me in his arms on the drive back, chin on my head.

When we reached the suite, I fled to my room, locking the door behind me. I welcomed the darkness overcoming me while the sound of JiYong calling my name and banging on the door slowly faded away.

Jillyan called later. "Are you okay?"

"How is Tabi?"

"No one knows where he is."

"Call me if you hear anything." I terminated the call.

JiYong knocked on the door and called my name. I rolled over and fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

Early next morning SooJin called. "Tabi shown up at Heaven. He's a mess. Won't talk."

"I'm not doing much better." I called Jillyan and let her know Tabi was safe.


	20. The End is the Beginning

JiYong was gone by the time I left my room. He'd left a note telling me he loved me, he hoped I was feeling better and he would call me later.

I felt relieved I didn't have to face him. I knew now I had to tell Tabi the truth. I had to risk losing both of them. As much as I loved Tabi, it wasn't fair to lie to him about my feelings. It also wasn't fair to JiYong. He deserved someone who loved him with their whole heart.

I packed my bag and left the suite. I wasn't sure where I was going. Heaven didn't feel safe right now. I called the realtor and asked about warehouses or office spaces with living space. She called me back, gave me an address and I went to check it out. An hour later I signed a rental agreement.

I sipped hot chocolate at a coffee house near my new home and wrote letters. To JiYong: "I need to figure things out. I love you but I can't keep hurting you and Tabi anymore so I will accept that I can have neither of you. I am enclosing the engagement ring. You deserve someone who will love you with their whole heart and soul. You deserve so much more than I can give you."

In my letter to Tabi, I confessed my feelings and told him everything including my betrayal with JiYong. "I dream of a day when we can lay lay once in my bed and you will hold me while I sleep. I think that day will never come. I love you with all my heart and soul but I will die before hurting you again. I'm enclosing the couple ring. I'm sorry I can't return the locket."

To Jillyan, I wrote, "I need to find some answers. I need to finish and close the chapter on Rick before I begin a new one. I love JiYong but I can't give him my whole heart and soul when so much of it belongs to Tabi. I will finish your wedding dress and be there for your wedding. I love you so much but I need to heal and grow and become stronger so I can see Tabi and JiYong without it hurting so much."

I called SooJin and asked him to take good care of Heaven, the preparations for Jillyan's wedding and to support Tabi and JiYong and the rest of the Big Bang members as best he could. Until Heaven became safe for me again, I would need to hide away and rediscover myself. "You were right. I should have listened to you."

When I hung up, I felt a coldness creep into my bones as I faced the future. The ground beneath my feet suddenly felt very unstable. Who was this person I'd become?

I called a temp agency, hired an assistant and gave her a shopping list of things to pick up. I'd only brought a small bag with me from the hotel. If I was going to live in a brand new world, I would have to start fresh with everything.

***

A week later we arranged to meet at Heaven. When I walked into the house, I heard SooJin arguing loudly with Jillyan. I walked in to find out what was going on then saw him. Tabi was out on the patio waiting for me. Neither SooJin nor Jillyan had seen me so I slipped the dresses in the closet and headed back to my car. Tabi was standing by the driver's side waiting for me.

We stood facing each other across the car. He looked so tired and worn out. I had to fight every instinct to keep from throwing myself across the car and into his arms. I knew I looked just as worn out and tired and I was sure he had noticed.

I heard Jillyan come out of the house. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw us standing there. "Bella, you're here. Good. Good. Where are the dresses?"

"Hall closet."

She turned to walk back into the house.

Tabi walked slowly around the front of the car to stand in front of me. He opened his hand and the couple ring he'd given me was in his hand. "You never kept your promise." His voice was ragged.

"I promised to come back and I came back."

His hand closed around the ring, "You promised to come back to me."

Suddenly I was standing at the airport gate and his words rang in my ear, "Come back to me." Had I promised to come back to him? Startled, I glanced up and cried, "I'm trying to come back to you, Tabi. I've been trying to come back to you since I got back from America."

He whispered, "Bella, when will you be ready?"

I pushed passed him and got into my car and drove away.


	21. The Wedding

Jillyan had wanted an outdoor wedding but it had been so rainy the last couple of weeks. Finally, two days before her wedding, the sun appeared. Our parents arrived the same day and I went with SooJin to pick them up from the airport. Jillyan had told them some of what had happened so they were careful not to ask too many questions on the drive to the house.

I introduced them to Mrs. Han and EunChae then showed them around the property. My father was impressed with the amount of acreage and my mother fell in love with the chapel and my bedroom. My father also liked that SooJin was close by to keep an eye on me and so I was saved a lecture on the dangers of living alone in a foreign country.

The house was a whirlwind of activity. White tables and chairs had been set up on the yard and covered with beautiful china and crystal and magnificent colorful flower arrangements. A tent was set up to cover the food and tables for dining. The chapel had finally been finished and was filled with flowers.

Jillyan and Seungri wanted a private ceremony with just family and friends in the chapel and then later that day, they would have a big formal wedding for all their friends, family and business associates.

I lingered in my room for most of the morning. At one, I donned my rose colored bridesmaid dress, fixed my makeup and hair, and then headed to the chapel. Most of the guests were already in the chapel seated on the newly restored pews. Sunlight filtered in from the windows in the ceiling and the mood was light. I sat with Jillyan in the waiting area and she excitedly talked of her dreams for Seungri and her.

As the cellist started playing, JiYong escorted EunChae down the aisle. I stood and waited for my escort and was shocked to discover it was Tabi. Without glancing at me, he gently took my arm and we walked side by side down the aisle to the altar. It felt too intimate to be walking so close to him. I couldn't help imagining this was my wedding until we reached the altar and he gently relinquished my arm without even a glance. I breathed deeply and focused on just getting through the ceremony.

Jillyan was radiant. She took my breath away as she walked down the aisle. Seungri was beaming. The ceremony was not very long but I found my eyes returning again and again to Tabi's face. Only once did he look my way and his expression was empty. I suddenly felt cold standing in the sunlight.

After the ceremony, the guests and bride and groom left the chapel. I walked with Jillyan to the bridal area. She sat in a large wicker chair decorated with tulle and flowers while wedding guests walked by and admired and congratulated her.

After the public ceremony I kept busy with making sure guests were happy and well cared for. When it was time for toasts, I delivered my toast in an admirable fashion. JiYong, as best man, stood to give his toast then came over to pay his respects to the bride and groom.

"Jillyan, you look beautiful. Seungri is a lucky man," JiYong said then asked, "Bella, will you take a walk with me?"

We strolled toward the chapel side by side but not touching. When we were almost to the chapel, he stopped and turned to me. "I'm sorry Bella. I knew Tabi loved you but I was selfish. I understand that now. I was wrong to force you to agree to marry me." A half smile whispered across his face. "I just had never met anyone like you and wanted you all for myself. Tabi has forgiven me. Can you forgive me?"

I nodded my assent.

He continued, "I know it's Jillyan's wedding today but I wanted to give you something too; to apologize and to try to start to make it up to you." He paused and smiled impishly, "Do you think we can ever be friends again–maybe someday?"

I nodded. I didn't dare speak.

He hugged me gently then turned me toward the chapel and gave me a little push. I hesitated then glanced back to thank him but he was already too far away.


	22. Light

In the chapel, I found a small gift box sitting on the altar. Inside was the SD card in tiny pieces. I stood where Jillyan had said her vows. The light streaming in the windows gave the now empty chapel a magical, heavenly glow. I promised myself just one moment and then I would leave everything behind in the chapel. I would walk away ready for a new future.

I closed my eyes, breathed deeply then let it out slowly. I wrapped my arms around myself and just accepted everything. I was going to be okay. JiYong was going to be okay. We would be friends again when we were both ready.

My thoughts turned to Tabi. He'd been so handsome walking beside me. I'd wanted to cry–he was so beautiful inside and out. I let all my memories of him flood in and released all the love I'd been holding in my heart for so long pour out and envelope me. Hot tears streamed down my cheeks but I let them come. I welcomed them. Great joy intermingled with great sadness. I ached for him. I longed for him. I loved him.

I don't know how long I stood there. Maybe an eternity. The chapel turned cooler as the sun dipped lower in the sky when I sensed I was not alone. Warm arms encircled me and I leaned back into the warmth of his body. He scattered soft kisses on my cheek and along my jaw and my neck.

I whispered, "I'm ready."

I felt his lips form a smile against my neck, "What took you so long."

I turned to stare at him. Maybe it was the light but he seemed more beautiful than I'd ever seen him.

His eyes shone with unshed tears as he knelt down in front of me. I forgot to breathe. My heart forgot to beat. He smiled up at me, took my right hand then slid the now familiar ring onto my ring finger. He pulled a small box out of his jacket pocket, "Bella, I love you. Will you marry me?"

I whispered, "Yes."

He stood then pulled me into his arms. He kissed me deeply and then held me for a long time until he remembered the ring. On my left hand, he placed an engagement ring on my ring finger.

We sat in one of the pews and talked about everything that had happened since the first time we'd met. About Daesung and JiYong and how hard it had been for both of us. He talked about the future like it was right there waiting for us. We talked until the sun faded from the windows in the chapel. He wiped the tears from my face and then wiped the tears from his own.

He stood and took my hand. I stood then gazed into his eyes and with all the love in my heart, said, "I love you."

His face broke open into a brilliant smile and my knees nearly gave out. He pulled me into his arms and hugged me so tightly. He held my hand as we left the chapel behind and strolled back toward the wedding party.

Most of the guests had left and all that was left was a small cluster of the most important people in my life. We approached and Daesung handed us each a glass of champagne. I wondered what we were toasting.

Tabi grinned then announced to the group, "She said yes."

Everyone hugged us then Jillyan and EunChae wanted a better look at the ring. I showed them the ring on my right hand then showed them the engagement ring. They understood. I'd finally kept my promise.

My father shook Tabi's hand, "Will you take responsibility for her?" Tabi grinned and nodded his head while everyone laughed.

We sat in a small group, no one wanting to leave the charmed circle, but soon it was time for Jillyan and Seungri to depart for the airport. As everyone loaded up to go to the airport to send them off, Tabi held me back, "Stay," he whispered in my ear.

We waved goodbye to our friends then climbed the stairs to my bedroom. A package waited for me on the bed. Tabi excused himself and left. I opened the package. The most beautiful and delicate night gown lay nestled in tissue paper. I wondered if tonight was to be my wedding night too.

I shivered then carried ti with me to the bathroom where a hot bath had been run for me. Rose petals floated on top of the water and another package waited on the counter. Inside was a delicate pair of silk slippers.

I left all my expectations lying on the bathroom floor and just relaxed. I sank deeply into the hot water and soaked for a while. I examined my new engagement ring. It was simple and elegant with a beautiful solataire diamond. I discovered an inscription on the inside. "Stay."

When the water began to cool, I stepped into the shower to rinse off the petals and dried myself with a big plushy towel. I slipped into the slippers and slid the gown over my head. It sent delicious shivers down my spine as it slid luxuriously over my bare skin. Another package sat on the counter. I realized he must have snuck in and put it there when I was in the tub. The thought sent more shivers cascading down my spine. I was one big giant nerve, but I was happy.

I applied a tiny bit of makeup and brushed my hair. I looked in the mirror and the woman I saw looking back at me surprised me. She was beautiful, radiant and loved. I liked her. I liked her a lot. I was glad I'd been able to meet her.

The last package contained a delicate robe which matched the gown perfectly. At the bottom of the box was a note from Tabi. "I will wait until you are ready. Tonight let's just hold each other and be grateful for our happiness. I love you, Seung Hyun." I had thought my heart could not expand to love him more. I was wrong.

I left the bathroom and was surprised by the transformation that had taken place in my bedroom. Tabi had placed candles around the bed and lit a fire in the fireplace. The glow from the candles and fireplace made the room feel even more like an exotic Italian villa.

Tabi sat near the fire. When I came into the room, he looked up and his face transformed. I took a deep steadying breath and waited for him to come to me. Slowly he approached. He was wearing a robe over pajamas. He'd never looked more handsome or desirable.

He stood close to me with his hands at his side and smiled. I smiled too. He untied my robe and gently pushed it off my shoulders. He tossed it onto the chair he'd just vacated. I shivered. He picked me up and lay me gently on the bed then pulled the covers up over me. He walked to the other side of the bed, took off his robe then joined me. I rolled on my side to stare at him as I had that first night on the patio when he'd asked me to stay. He rolled over to face me and we stared at each other smiling. He gazed deeply into my eyes and said simply, "I love you, Bella."

"I love you, Tabi." When the grin finally faded from his face, I whispered, "I'm ready."


	23. Epilogue

A year later, Tabi and I were married in the chapel surrounded by our friends and family. A year after that, SooJin graduated from college and also got married in the chapel. Taeyang and EunChae broke up and she'd started dating a man she met at a Big Bang concert. He was a lawyer so we were very happy for her but sad for Taeyang.

JiYong was dating a Korean actress and it was going well. We'd become friends again but it was still difficult to see him with someone else. Tabi left to serve his mandatory military enlistment two years after we were married. Jillyan and Seungri are incredibly happy and a few months after Tabi went into the military, Jillyan given birth to a beautiful baby boy.

It was really difficult being without him for so long. We tried to keep in touch as much as the military would allow. Being a great aunt occupied some of my hours. I continued to work on my fashion designs and my new line, Beauty Incognito, is starting to become more recognized thanks to Daesung, JiYong and Taeyang encouraging their famous friends to wear my designs.

When Tabi returned from the military, we spent as much time as possible together and started talking about children. Three years later I gave birth to our first child and today we have three children, two boys and a girl. Even though the other members have started enlisting in the military, Tabi carries on the name of Big Bang in his solo activities. We dream of the day Big Bang will be reunited.

Sometimes in the early morning hours, I sit in the chapel and wonder about the past. Had all that pain paved the way for all this happiness? When I get lost in the past, he finds me and wraps his arms around me and brings me back to the present with a kiss. I love him so much more than I could have ever imagined. He is my light and my life and I am his.

The end.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a pure work of fiction. I have never met Big Bang or traveled to South Korea. I am merely addicted to Choi Seung Hyun (aka T.O.P aka Tabi) and wrote this to share with other victims of his awesomeness. I also think Kwon Ji Yong (aka G. Dragon) is awesome and apologize to his fans for making him the bad guy. He seemed the most likely choice out of the five to play that role. He is also my pocket bias.


End file.
